I'm Still Here!

I have been a horrible blogger lately! So much has been happening these past 6 weeks though, and so many things are blog worthy.

First of all, Neisan turned 2 a few weeks ago! He had an awesome vintage airplane birthday party, got too many presents, and had a great time. He's getting so big. He's so proud of himself that he's "2 on my sirsday" and asks to blow out candles daily. His personality is so so cute - and sometimes challenging - but he has us laughing multiple times every day, and even the bad moments are memorable :) We are going to Florida next week for a few days, and when we get back we are hitting the potty training! Hopefully we will get through it fairly easily.

As for me and this pregnancy, I can't even begin to tell you how different this one is from Neisan. With Neisan by 8 weeks I was on a Zofran pump, which I had to change the injection site out ever 6 hours, it left horrible knots and bruises behind, and really didn't make me feel much better. I was puking 25-30 times a day, and was hospitalized more than a few times for dehydration before I finally got my home health nurse. This time at 10 weeks 6 days, I have had all day nausea, but not much puking! Most of the time I can get rid of the nausea by eating something every few hours, and oral Zofran takes the edge off enough that I can get through the day. I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow - I can't believe how quickly it's going this time around. When I turned 10 weeks pregnant I was able to stop taking progesterone, which is amazing! I'm finally off of every fertility med! It feels so strange to be on this side of infertility again. It's that happy place of knowing you are done with the process of getting pregnant, but a scary place where you second guess every little symptom. This morning I woke up feeling pretty good - no nausea, no puking. I was relieved that I had a good morning, but I immediately started thinking that something must be wrong. Thankfully I have a fetal doppler at home that I can use to hear the little heartbeat whenever I feel the need! It gives such great reassurance. Neisan is so sweet with my belly. Now that it's starting to show a bit, he rubs it and kisses it all the time. He tells me it's his baby sister and that we should name her baby girl :) He's going to be the best big brother, I can't wait to see him in that role. And I feel so blessed to be able to give him the opportunity to be a brother...

We are finally almost settled in the new house. We've got our trees up, pictures on the walls and all the painting is finally done! We painted every last inch of it, including trim and ceilings and cabinets. It will be a few more months before we've got everything where we want it, but I can say that things here are really good so far! Now we need to find out what this baby is so we can paint the nursery - the one room in the house we haven't painted yet! I'll post some before and after pictures soon, it's a HUGE transformation. We are proud of it!

This last little bit is a poem that my sweet friend Mandy sent to me. It is so true to my love for Neisan and this new little one. It's absolutely beautiful - 

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will b better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money that I have or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when other hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Oh, Happy Day!

As most of you know already from my facebook post, I'M PREGNANT!!! I actually started testing last Friday, October 7. I was feeling really crampy and just kind of yuck. I justified it in my head by telling myself that if it came back negative, it would have been because it was too early. So at about 3:45 in the afternoon, I pee'd on that stick. About a minute later the results came up - the second line was faint, but it was definitely there! I immediately called Jenny and had a freak out attack while on the phone with her, and of course she joined in. I was crying and shaking and in disbelief. It's funny how shocking it is to be so surprised that your pregnant when there was obviously a damn good chance you were, by the way. After I freaked out with Jenny, I ran upstairs to Neisan's nanny, test in hand. She freaked with me too, and there were more tears and more staring at the pee stick. She was an awesome person to share this with - she is the other mom to Neisan basically, and now she will have a new little life to care for. After we were done being crazy, I decided I needed to probably tell Geno... He wasn't home when I took the test, so I tried to think of an awesome way to tell him before he got home in 5 minutes. I thought of basically nothing, so I taped the test to the door coming in from the garage, the one he would have to come through to come inside. I used bright blue painters tape, and made sure it would be right at his eye level. His truck pulled up, the dogs barked, and I waited for him to come in, surprised as ever. In he walked. And nothing. He didn't freaking see it. Now this doesn't surprise me in any way, and it honestly made the whole thing better. I told him to go look at the door, and then got a great reaction - a fist bump. Gotta love my husband.

All this time Neisan had been sleeping. When he woke up, I went to get him out of his room. I got in his bed with him and told him "mama's gonna have a baby!" Now normally he would reply with his stern toddler all about me attitude with something to the tune of "no, my baby! Mine mama!" but all he said was "pink". I asked him what he said, and just said "pink" again. I'm so anxious to see if this baby is a girl now! 

This morning we had our official blood test. They measure the hcg in your bloodstream and check it two days later to make sure the numbers are doubling in 48 hours. My level was 302! That's an amazing number, now we just have to make sure it's getting bigger and bigger! When I went into the clinic this morning, everyone who has been by me throughout all of this came in to tell me congratulations, and to do a mini celebration with me. I just love them all there so much, and I know that had the outcome been different, they still would have been there.

Geno and I are obviously on cloud 9 right now, and have been since the first faint line. At the same time though, I know I have to be cautious. It's so early in the pregnancy (like 4 weeks) and I know that anything can happen. So why did we decide to tell everyone? We decided that when we found out we were pregnant with Neisan that we had had too many negative tests. We had tried without success too many times, and that we were going to celebrate, for however long we could, that we were going to be parents. That's the philosophy we are going with again. We don't know how the pregnancy will end up, but for right now we are pregnant. And we are so beyond happy right at this moment that we want to tell everyone! All those thoughts and prayers that were sent our way throughout all of this have been so amazing - and we want to keep them up! If all goes well, we will be holding our baby on June 19, 2012. 

It's so strange to be pregnant again, especially since I don't really have any symptoms yet. That first trimester tiredness is starting to come in small doses, but other than that I feel pretty normal. Neisan talks about it all the time, telling everyone that mama has a baby in her tummy, and that it's his baby. He says it's a girl, and that it will have a "hoo", not a "weenie". I will be happy with a hoo or a weenie - I am pregnant, and I am going to have another baby! Oh happy day......

Didn't Think this Through...

First of all, and update! Geno and I had our embryo transfer last Sunday, October 2. We had 1 perfect, beautiful 5 day embryo transferred at 9:15 in the morning. Dr. Stewart came in our room and told us that we had a "pretty" embryo and that they were ready for us. We walked down to the room and got in position - the most uncomfortable position you can imagine - and watched while the nurse did an ultrasound so Dr. Stewart could see where to put the embryo. The embryologist came out of the little room and held up the catheter and said "Kennedy embryo" (that's my favorite part) and handed it off to Dr. Stewart. There was a monitor above my head so I got to watch the whole thing. You could see the catheter go in (via ultrasound, there wasn't a camera down in my lady) and then a little white dot came out of the end - that's the embryo! It's such a cool thing to be able to see your potential baby being put into your womb. It's surreal. When we did the transfer with Neisan, Geno and Dr. Stewart were singing the Batman theme song because the huge light that shines on your baby maker reminded him of Batman... So we made sure Neisan wore his Batman pajamas the night before for good karma. After the transfer was done, I had to lie flat for 30 minutes, then I was free to go. Not going to lie, it's so hard to stand up after the 30 minutes are up - I'm so afraid every time that it's going to fall out. I know it's not gonna happen, but a little part of me still freaks out. Oh and sneezing? That's sure to force anything out from anywhere... Each sneeze brought on a little panic too. Actually, they still do... My nurse let me know the next day that the other two embryos were good enough quality to freeze, so I was very happy with that news! It's like having insurance. And Neisan was a frozen embryo, so I have a good feeling with them :) It's also so strange that you feel connected with these embryos from the very beginning. I know it's a group of cells, and before I actually had a child I didn't think about it this way... But now that I know what that group of cells can become, I found myself being a lot more emotional and attached to the tiny embryo on the screen. 

It's so weird even sitting here typing this knowing that I have a little embryo inside of me that is either getting comfy or isn't. There are so many ups and downs. One minute I'm super positive and am sure it worked, the next I'm sure it didn't. I have been analyzing every little cramp and twinge, and it's making me crazy.  It's too early to know anything, so I have to stop! While I am chomping at the bit to know, at the same time this place is a safe one. By not knowing, I have this little hopeful place that keeps telling me it's possible. I'm not sad yet, and things haven't been pulled out from under me. It's such a strange feeling...

When I started this IVF journey again, I knew from the beginning that I wanted to write about it. I wanted to do it for a few reasons: 1. I wanted to remember what it was like, down to every last detail. I want to be able to look back at this someday and see how far I've come, and I want my future child or children to see this and know how much I really wanted them. And 2. because I wanted to be able to tell my friends and family all the details in one place. I thought it would save me from having to explain everything 100 times. 

I forgot one big part of all of it though... I don't know how I am going to be able to write about this if it doesn't work. At least right away. People have already been asking when the pregnancy test is and when I will find out. Of course everyone wants to know, I mean I've been more than forward with information thus far. But I am terrified. If it doesn't work, I want to be left alone for a while. The first unsuccessful attempt was really really hard, and I needed time to grieve with myself and Geno. We lost a baby together, and we wanted to take time to each other after all that we had gone through. And if it does work? Well I want to be able to tell my family first. I want to be able to do something special to tell them all the news, and to celebrate with them first. Then you believe me, I will be shouting it from the roof tops when it happens! But for now, let me just say that everyone will know soon enough. 

Okay now the days can start moving right along.......

This isn't our embryo, but you can see what a 5 day embryo looks like! The inner mass part is what makes the fetus!

  

Day From Hell

That's what yesterday was. 

It started out just fine, other than not getting any sleep because I was so nervous for the egg retrieval. Other than that though, Geno and I were up and ready and on our way to the hospital right on time. After being in the car for, oh, 5 seconds, Geno's phone rang. It was United Heating and Cooling. They were scheduled to install new units at the new house that we closed on Monday, but there was a small problem... the man who owned the house was inside and not letting anyone in. 

The house we bought was a foreclosure, and the man who lived there was a builder. He built it as his families "forever home", but couldn't pay for it. There is also a strip of land that runs along the opposite side of our driveway that had a separate title from the sale of the house, which wasn't brought to the closing, so we obviously didn't sign it. We didn't even see it because it wasn't there or even talked about. So long story short, that title belonged to a different title company, and with the help of that title company, the owner of the house committed mortgage fraud. Which meant the house was not closed on. Which meant that it was not ours.

That's what I got to deal with on the way to the hospital, and before I went in for surgery, as far as I knew, we were no longer moving. Not something I wanted or needed to deal with at such a crazy time. After a lot of screaming and yelling from the crazy man in our house, everything got taken care of and we are again the proud owners of a new home. And he is the proud participant in a lawsuit more than likely. Idiot.

Now that we are done with that, I can focus on the most important thing happening in my life right now. The retrieval went well, but when I woke up from anesthesia I was in a LOT of pain, and only on my right side. Dr. Stewart said that my right ovary is stuck to my uterus from endometriosis, and from scar tissue that has built up from all the surgeries I've had. That's why I was in so much pain, and as Dr. Stewart described it to Geno, it would "be like you getting your balls stapled to your leg". I love that man. 

So they admitted me for a few hours so that he could make sure my pain was under control, which thank God for IV Morphine, I was feeling better pretty quickly. Speaking of the IV, the nurse who tried to start it 3 times blew 3 veins. She went for it a 4th time and another nurse finally stepped in thankfully! My hand and arm have nice big bruises on them today.

Dr. Stewart was able to retrieve 6 eggs, only 1 on the right side and 5 on the left. They fertilized them via ICSI yesterday afternoon, then told me they would call me sometime today with the fertilization report. I got that call around 10:30, and it was not great. Only 3 fertilized. Last time I had 6 fertilize, and from those 6 I had 1 child. The number 3 is a heavy number. I go in Friday at 7:30 for the embryo transfer, and have to decide, based on how they look, how many I will put back. I want to put 2 back, but my regular ob/gyn is pushing for 1 since I had such a terrible pregnancy with Neisan. She (Dr. Martin) and Dr. Stewart are really good friends, and Dr. Stewart said that "she will have my nuts in a vice if I get you pregnant with twins". While I know that twins would not only be difficult to carry, but difficult to have period, I just don't know if I could live with myself if I transferred 1 and it didn't work. The freeze and thaw process is not fool proof, so the other 2 might not make it through it. We had 4 frozen after our fresh cycle and only 1, Neisan, made it through the process. Fresh embryos have a higher rate of working, period. This will be a 3 day transfer. They do 3 and 5 day transfers, based on the embryo quality, with a higher success rate from 5 days. If we were able to do a 5 day, I would absolutely consider a single embryo transfer. To top it all off, Dr. Stewart is not wanting to let me do a fresh cycle again. My embryos are in awful shape, and he said he was surprised to even get 6 eggs from them. So this is it. If this doesn't work, I will not have the chance to do it again. I am not done having a family. I'm 27 years old and my body is failing me. I don't understand it, and it's not fair. Please keep praying and sending the positive vibes and thoughts this way, and I will keep updating as we go along. 

Update!

Whatever prayers or thoughts you sent my way worked!

I had another monitoring appointment this morning and I had 9 FOLLICLES!! Woot! 

My doctor called me this afternoon and wants me to continue with the shots for tonight, then she wants to see me again in the morning for another ultrasound and more blood work. Depending on what those two things show will determine the day of egg retrieval. Let me tell you again how much I love my doctors office. This process is both mentally and physically exhausting, and to know that you have these people on your side is the best feeling you could have while going through all of it. It feels so good to go in on a Saturday morning at 7:45 a.m., see your actual doctor, then get a call from your actual doctor later in the afternoon to tell you exactly what's happening. It just makes you feel good! Dr. Milroy came into the practice after I had already gone through my fresh and frozen cycles, so I didn't get to meet her until my surgery last February. I didn't think I would ever find a doctor that I liked as much as Dr. Stewart, the man responsible for Neisan, but Dr. Milroy is an amazing doctor and woman. She makes me feel like all of this is going to work. I know that's the point of it, but when you're going through it it's easy to be a pessimist. If it doesn't work (please God let it work), I know I have a doctor on my side, mentally just as much as physically. They have become friends for life. If anyone reading this is struggling, I more than recommend Reproductive Medicine and Infertility - I don't know if I'd be able to do all this with anyone else! 

Anyways, enough doctor love - I AM SO EXCITED! 9 isn't an outstanding number, but it's not 4 either, so I'll take it. Plus I have at least one more day to stim. Looking forward to my appointment in the early morning to see what's going to happen this week. I will possibly have my egg retrieval on Wednesday! Aghh!!

I'll update again tomorrow after I get some more news. This is happening! 

Oh and to top it off? We close on our house Monday! Life is beyond nuts right now. I don't know how we could have timed it better than to have surgery and embryo transfer on moving week. And don't even get me started on things going on at work... That's a whole other post. Thanks again for the prayers - now keep them coming that these embryos will want to stick!

News.

Not good news, but not horrible news either. Just news.

I went in today for my first monitoring appointment since I started the stimulation part of the cycle. I had blood drawn to make sure my hormone levels are where they should be and to look at how many follicles I have growing. That's where the news comes in... I only have a few growing :( 

Last cycle I had around 10-12 good size follicles at this point, so this was a HUGE disappointment for me. And I say for me because my doctor doesn't seem to be too distraught over it. Although last cycle I had more eggs growing, they weren't all viable and able to be fertilized. At retrieval they were able to get 15 eggs, and through ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection) only 6 of those follicles were made into embryos. From those 6, 2 were transferred and 4 were thawed. The first two were not successful, and when it came time for our frozen embryo transfer only 1 made it through the thaw process. That strong little guy was Neisan. My point in all of this is that if last time I had 15 eggs retrieved and only 6 were viable, then my 4 or 5 are looking pretty poor right about now. 

Now my doctor wasn't too upset over it, and I am putting all of my trust in that office and the people there. This new shot that they added to my protocol is supposed to produce the best quality eggs, along with the other two meds from my first cycle. Together they produce strong eggs, which make strong embryos, which have a much much higher chance of "sticking". That's where the not horrible news comes in. If I only end up with 7 or 8 eggs, but those eggs are all stronger than the eggs from my first cycle, then I have surpassed the level I was at 3 years ago with my 15 eggs. 

Did I blow your mind with all of that yet? I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it all, and when I try to write it out, it seems confusing... At this point though, I have to make myself believe that it will all work out. I don't want to hear it from anyone that "it will work out like it's supposed to", because that just pisses me off. I am SUPPOSED to have another child. It's not SUPPOSED to happen that I will have an unsuccessful cycle and these embryos will die. I don't want to hear that. I do, however, want to say that this is a bump in the road. I am supposed to be a mother. I am not "meant" to go through life struggling to make this dream a reality. Today was disappointing. But I go back in on Saturday for more blood work and another ultrasound, then every day after until the egg retrieval. So until then, say a prayer, a positive vibe, a happy thought - whatever it is you do. I'm just ready for this to all be over with... I'm emotionally drained. I'm physically drained. My ass hurts.

This Saturday is my next appointment, so until then I am just staying the course. 3 more shots down tonight, now I'm just saying an extra prayer with each one that they make those follicles GROW!!

I'll Take it in the Butt...

This new shot, that is. For any of you that know me really well, you know how I feel about the title. Sickos.

I'm into my second full week of shots, and they have been surprisingly hard this time. Last cycle I didn't even think about the shots. After the first one was done it just became something I had to do. This time has been so much harder for some reason physically. After talking about it to a friend who has done a few IVF cycles herself, we came to the conclusion that there is some sort of scar tissue from all the meds, so the needles just hurt more. Not sure if it's true, but it sure seems that way! That's where the title of the blog comes in - my stomach just couldn't handle any more pokes! I emailed my nurse to ask if "Geno could do it in my butt" - I could have said it much more gracefully, but again, if you know me well, I get much more of a kick out of being not-so-graceful. Anyways, she said I could give the shot anywhere I can "pinch an inch". So on to my butt cheeks we went! Let me tell you how much better it's been since I made the switch to the butt. (Oh I love this reference too much). Really though, the shots are a breeze! A little sting, then nothing! Not even a red spot!

Until I started the Repronex last night. Oh. My. GAH. It sucks. First of all, it comes in two little vials that you have to mix yourself. It involves taking a big daddy needle, sucking out 1 ml of sodium chloride, putting that into the vial full of powder, swirling (not shaking) it around, drawing it all out with the huge needle, twisting off the huge needle and replacing it with a much smaller (yes please) needle. Phew! Last night I was so un-suspecting. I had Geno give me the Lupron and Follistim, no big deal, and was bent over, ready for the third one. It instantly hurt - and it hurt badly - then stung all the way down the back of my leg. Like stung bad enough that I was jumping up and down with tears in my eyes and jogging in place because I didn't know how else to make it stop. Then my skin broke out in a big red rash that ran down the back of my leg and hurt all night. You can imagine how excited I was to do another one tonight... but, to my surprise, it wasn't so awful! First of all, last night I drew up all of the Sodium Chloride from the first vial - I was only supposed to draw up 1 of the 2 mls - so that's why it burned like Hell. Literally. Then, I thought I should get all of the air bubbles out, so I pushed the plunger up just enough that a drip of medicine would come out the top of the needle. BIG mistake. When that needle broke the skin and had liquid fire on it, I about fell on the floor. So tonight I just made sure that there were no bubbles from the beginning so I could surpass that initial puncture burn. Both of these things together made a HUGE difference! Little burning, no red rash, and no jogging in place while crying and yelling obscenities. Which Neisan then repeats. 

So on to another week! This week I continue with the 3 shots. I go in on Thursday morning for an ultrasound and blood work to see how many follicles are growing. Then I continue on with the three shots while being monitored daily via ultrasound and blood work until they say it's go time! Right now we are looking at a September 30th retrieval, then 3 to 5 days later will be the transfer day, depending on how good the embryos look. Neisan was a 3 day, and those are supposedly not as strong... I'm not convinced   :)

In about two weeks I will be doing this thang - it's crazy. First of all because I never thought I would be in this place, even with Neisan. Then because I was told I couldn't do it again period. Geno has been beyond great with everything. Last time I honestly didn't need anything. I took it all in stride, nothing was too painful, I was able to do my own shots. This time though, I have leaned on him so much. And he has definitely been a rock! He has stood there with my while I cried with a needle in my hand, taken over when I needed him to, and has been so patient with me feeling like crap. In all honesty, even though looking at the medications he has to take may not look like much... but how would you like to be shown to a room by a nurse and told to leave your specimen on the counter? Oh, and the magazines are in the bottom drawer. I can't say I'd be able to turn myself on while everyone on the outside knew what I was doing. But like he says, he's "a professional". He's already given his back-up specimen in case he can't perform on the day of the egg retrieval, so we're covered! I love to give him crap about all of this, but I appreciate it so much. We are both willing to put ourselves in uncomfortable positions to have a family. I love you Geno.

On a Neisan note, he's had a rough week. Puked all night one night, was up another two with a fever and coughing and a runny nose, so we stayed home all day today. To ease the boredom we played with pay dough - this was the first time he hasn't eaten it - but he might have asked 100 times. Only a small bit ended up in his mouth this time though, and that's a feat. I, on the other hand, cannot help myself when there is playdough, or clay, or any other moldable substance... I have to make something inappropriate. I did, and Neisan clapped. A good time was had by all. Can't wait to have a few more little ones to make appendages out of playdough with! 

A Kiss Makes Everything Better

Just ask Neisan, and he will tell you - a kiss from Mom can cure anything. And I do mean anything! If he falls, he asks me to "tiss" whatever is hurting. If he's sad, he tells me he's sad and asks for a "tiss" on his forehead. I've kissed his knees, elbows, forehead, fingers, toes - I've healed just about every ailment on almost every body part on the kid with my magical tiss. After he gets this magical tiss, he's off and running, being a wild little boy again. I always think to myself how nice it would be to have someone be able to kiss away my pain. 

Tonight I gave myself my first shot for this IVF cycle. It was so strange going through those motions again - getting out the alcohol wipes, getting the needle ready, worrying if I'm giving myself the right dosage... It was surreal. The first shot is always the worst, and tonight that rang so true! I psyched myself out big time! Throughout my first IVF cycle, I didn't even think about the shots. They had to be done, so I did them, no questions or second thoughts about them. They were second nature. I know these next shots will get easier and easier, but the first one really sucked. I was so afraid to just do it! Geno would count, I'd tell him to stop, then I'd tell him to count again only to tell him to stop again... it was a 2 minute process of me pinching my skin up on my stomach while working up the nerve to stick the damn needle in. First shot is down though, and I know tomorrow will be easier! 

 While I was wigging out about the shot and Geno was cheering me on, Neisan was sitting by us eating dinner. I didn't know he was paying any attention, nor did I think twice about him being there. I was so caught up in it all that I just forgot I guess. After I was done and Geno clapped for me (love that guy) I noticed Neisan's little face was so worried. He climbed down off his little "helper" stand and grabbed me around my whole lower body and hugged me over and over. He wanted to see my "ouch", so I showed him. He gave me a kiss and told me he'd make it all better. And you know what? It did. 

The first time I did an IVF cycle, I was childless obviously. I would give myself shots and worry so much about the outcome, and worry about what the process would actually feel like. I had Geno and my family behind me of course, but they didn't understand on the level I did. This time around I have a son. And this time around I had someone who understands on a level that even I don't understand. Someone who is genuinely and deeply worried about me, and someone who is willing to give me a magical kiss to take my pain away. It's such an crazy feeling to have your child help you feel better while doing the exact same thing you did to get that child. This is hard to write and put into words, but I just never thought I'd be at this place. And in about 10 months, I could very possibly have another baby - or two more babies for that matter. Another baby to "tiss" away my pain when I need it. To Neisan, kissing his "ouches" honestly makes him feel better. To him, they are the only thing that can take the pain away. I always giggled when he asked me for a kiss, because I knew - or thought - that it was just a silly little ritual that held no real healing properties. But you know what? They do. A kiss from him is the only way he knows to take away my pain. He means it with all of his heart. That's what makes them magical...

They're Heeerrre!

No, not the poltergeist. My meds. Which right now, looking at them and all their sharp glory, are about as exciting as a poltergeist. Never seen The Poltergeist? Then this opening seems pretty stupid, huh?

  So today while I was at work, my box of fertility meds arrived. I remember so clearly how I felt the first time we went through IVF on the day they came. I didn't expect such a big box, and once I opened them all and set them out, I immediately started crying. I was so overwhelmed. I hadn't even thought about the needles at that point, I was just trying to decipher the different medications and what I was supposed to do with them. There were just so many! Today was some of the same, but definitely easier. I was, and still am tonight, worried that I didn't refrigerate the correct ones... The information sheets that came with them said to check the label on the box, but they covered up the box with my information. When I peeled the label off, the box peeled off with it. So much for that! I'm sure my nurse already loves me - I just got them, haven't even started them, and I already have questions. 

So what do each of these magical little medications do? Where to begin... On September 7, I start Lupron. That is a shot that I will give myself in my stomach once every day. It is part of the suppression cycle, the part of an IVF cycle where they shut your ovaries completely down so that the doctor can have control over them through other medications. I will be on Lupron throughout the entire process. It makes me feel like a crazy person, so it's no good. Oh and plus I'm on birth control (ironic, right?) so my body will be further shut down so other people can have control over it. Awesome. On September 17 I start Follistim and Repronex, both are shots given in the stomach. They are the stimulation part of the cycle. The Follistim will help me develop mature eggs, and hopefully lots of them! It comes in a little cartridge that you put inside a pen. You dial it to the right dosage and give the shot. Repronex is a new drug for me, I didn't have to take it last time. Dr. Stewart started seeing a trend in women who were on it for different reasons, in that they were all having successful cycles. He decided to add it in to every cycle and he has seen amazing results! It works along with the Follistim to produce multiple eggs at once. This is a shot that has to be mixed each time with a powder and liquid form. I'm so nervous I will screw that up... and it's too expensive to screw up! I'll be on both of these until around the 27th, depending on how I'm responding to everything. If my eggs are the right size, which will be determined by internal ultrasounds and blood work daily, I will stop the 27th. If they need more time, I'll just keep going until they are ready! Once my eggs are ready for retrieval, they will schedule my hcg "trigger" shot. I will do it on whatever evening they tell me to, and 36 hours later will be my egg retrieval. It's so time sensitive, and this part really freaks me out! Once you do the hcg shot, it triggers your body to ovulate and release all the eggs. You need the hcg to make the eggs mature completely. They aren't ready until something like 32 hours later, but if you are later than 38 or so, you are too late - your body will naturally ovulate all of those precious eggs you worked so hard to grow! That would be beyond devastating. It would end your cycle, right at the very end. Ugh, not even going there. Oh and as an added stress, I have to mix that one too. I hate mixing, I just know I will screw it up! In the mean time Geno and I both have to take Doxycycline to make sure we are both free of any virus before our egg retrieval. Yeah, Geno has to take a pill. For 5 whole days. This is the part you can stop reading if you don't want to hear about vagina's. The day of my egg retrieval I start Endometrium. It's a vaginal suppository of progesterone that will make my body think it's preparing for pregnancy. Since they shut it down with the Lupron, my body won't know to make progesterone naturally. This awful horse pill will trick it into doing the right thing. 

I think that's all of them! You can see why I was so overwhelmed the first time I opened this box... and not going to lie, I am very overwhelmed this time too. It's just in a different way. I am so glass half empty on this go around. I don't know where it's coming from, but I am so afraid that it's not going to work. That all of this preparing, and all of this crap I'm about to put myself through isn't going to make a difference. And even though I am so negative about it, it won't make the potential let down ANY easier. I mean no matter what I "feel" the outcome will be, there is obviously something in me that says to go with it or I wouldn't be willing to do all of this. Geno and I have to fill out paperwork and turn it in next week before we can start our stimulation part. There are all these questions we have to answer, and they are not easy questions in the least. How do you feel about answering this? "In the event that one or both people die while you have frozen or live embryos, what do you wish to do with them? Let them thaw and die? Donate them to another family? Donate them to science?" I hate this question!! I mean all of me wishes I could say "donate them to another family". But I can not stand the thought of a little Neisan being raised by someone we will never know. That our flesh and blood, who we wanted more than anything in the world, is on Earth, but in someone else's arms. It's such a selfish way to be, but I can't help it. I would be lying if I said I was okay with that. But let them thaw? It's just letting your potential babies go. I can't stand that thought any more than the previous. Donating them to science is out of the question... or is it? Donating them so that doctors can find a cure for infertility, and make couples all over the world have a 100% chance at a family? No. No science experiments on my child. I can't stand that thought either... We have to answer that same question if we get pregnant, have all the babies we want or can physically have, but still have frozen embryos left over. I mean Neisan was a frozen embryo. How could I EVER make that decision??

So that's the low down on all the medications I will be injecting, swallowing, and depositing... I know a lot of people will stop reading at paragraph 2, but for those who want the info, I hope that gave you all you need and more! I'll update often once we actually start the medications, and I will absolutely update when we get closer to "go time"! 

Going back to the start of this post, I got a call last week from Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy. They were ready to go over each of my meds with me, tell me what they were, followed by how much they each cost. After a long, nerve wracking conversation, the woman on the other end asked if I had any more questions. I had heard all my brain could handle, so I told her "no". Then she asked me for my credit card info. How surreal of a situation is one where you literally purchase your baby via telephone with a complete stranger?

My meds! That's a lot of needles...

Geno's meds. Enough said.

The First Real Step...

Today Geno and I went for our first big step for our September cycle! It was crazy being there again, and doing those same familiar steps. The feelings were all so much alike the ones I had 3 years ago, but so very different at once...

This was the day for my saline sonogram. Let me tell you how fun these are NOT. However, they are very important to an IVF cycle, as they will tell the doctor the state of your uterine lining. This was a good gauge for them to see what mine does over time, as by the time a person's body is ready for the embryo transfer, it should be between an 8 and a 12. You can stop reading now if you are easily grossed out. Or if you're my brother for example. Or if you don't like hearing about uterus's and vagina's. In a nutshell, the nurse practitioner uses a speculum so she can get a good look at your cervix. Then she inserts a catheter into the cervix, which has a balloon on the end. The balloon, once it's all the way inside, is filled up with water. The speculum comes out, and in goes the sonography probe. Yup - you get to have an internal sonogram, all the while holding onto a bunch of water up inside your cervix. And a balloon. The first time the balloon wouldn't inflate. So she got to do it all twice! It hurt. It was uncomfortable. And I was afraid to look at the screen. The last time I had one of these exciting little tests performed, they found out I had too many cysts to continue on with a new cycle. This time though, we had good news! The lining of my uterus is right as it should be for the point in my cycle. Woo-hoo! To top it off, that's the only saline sonogram I will need for this cycle! Double woo-hoo!

Geno was fully prepared to have to give them a specimen... but he lucked out today, and gets to do it at another appointment. I'll be sure to tell you all about it when the time comes :) After the sonogram we sat down with our nurse coordinator to do a "teach". She went over all the meds I will be taking, injecting, and depositing. Although we've done this all before, I wanted to be completely sure I am comfortable with everything before my box of meds arrive and I freak out! We got our calendars, so we know tentatively what days we will start meds, add new meds, and the date for the egg retrieval and embryo transfer. These dates are all tentative because you don't know how your body will respond to all of this. I could stimulate really quickly, and they would have to move up the egg retrieval date, or could take longer to stimulate and have to push the date back. Then if our embryos look amazing, we can wait to do a 5 day embryo transfer (which is great, because if your embryo's are surviving 5 days outside the womb, they are strong ones!) or a 3 day transfer. Which is what Neisan was :). Still with me? Okay, there's more. So on September 7 I will start the first medication. It's called Lupron, and I give myself one shot of it a day in my stomach. On the 17th, I start 2 more injections, both of which will start my eggs growing away! Depending on how fast they grow, and how many grow, will determine our retrieval date. Right now we are looking at September 27. On the 22nd I will start going in to the office daily to have internal ultrasounds and blood work done so they can see how I'm responding to all the meds. By the time I'm done with the shots, I will have given myself 4 a day!

That's a lot of info. But I wanted to kind of lay it out there so my friends and family who are joining me on this journey kind of understand what's happening, and why it goes a certain way. During our first IVF cycle I didn't really talk about it to anyone. During our frozen embryo cycle I didn't tell anyone - until we found out we were pregnant. It took a lot of stress off of me to not have people asking a million questions, and it was great not feeling like I had to tell people about this very personal part of my life. Having said that though, I feel like this time around, I want the people who care about me, and the people I care about, to be completely in on this. I feel like blogging about it, on my own terms, will take off the pressure of having to tell people individually. Plus, I know a lot of my friends don't like to ask too many questions, because they don't want to pry - but I know they want to know. So this is a great way for that to happen too. And, in the end, I will always have this to look back on for years to come. I will get to recall everything, from the procedures, to the feelings I felt. I think this will be an amazing thing to look back on one day, no matter what the outcome.

There it is! Our first tiny step in this next HUGE leap we are taking! Right now, at this moment, I do not want to press pause. I want to fast forward to the good parts. 

Oh and for a little tidbit about Neisan - he pooped in the potty yesterday! I'm 99% sure it was a fluke, but I'll take it!!

September It Is...

Or is it? IVF is taking over our lives again, and we haven't even started our next cycle.

I had surgery again this past February in thought that I would do a June cycle. After a lot of talking, and a lot of time to get myself worked up and scared, Geno and I decided to put it off. I wanted to have the Summer with Neisan. I wanted to feel good and be able to have one last hurrah if you will. Our thoughts turned to September. Then we all of the sudden stumbled upon this new house venture, and I decided it was a great time to start planning a second Hemline location. Our thoughts about a September cycle suddenly seemed like a bad idea. After more talking and more thinking and more working myself up, we decided January seemed like the best idea. There is just one major problem with this idea - the effects of the surgery I had in February to prepare my body for the June IVF cycle are quickly fading. When you have endometriosis, each month makes your body less able to become pregnant. I do not want to have to do a third surgery... 

Along with the ticking time bomb situation, Geno and I have a million other reasons why we don't want to wait to do this. First of all, we don't know if this cycle will be successful. Our first one wasn't, and it was devastating. Plus we had to wait 5 months after our loss to try another. If it doesn't work, we are looking at a second cycle in February. If we wait until January, we are looking at this time next year to still be trying. We want Neisan and his sibling(s) to be somewhat close in age, and the longer we put it off, the further apart they will be. Then there is this feeling of limbo I have while I'm in the decision making process. I feel like I'm not working toward anything, which is frustrating,  but yet I feel like I am in a safe place of not wondering and worrying if I'm pregnant. It's a comfortable and horrifying place to be in all at once. We are delaying the inevitable.

Life is crazy. It twists and turns, most of the time in the dark. You can't see what's coming, and you don't know when they ride is going to stop. Or go again for that matter. I should know more than anyone at this point that things like this can't be planned for. If things had worked out like I had planned, I'd have a 4 year old right now. I wouldn't have my most perfect son that I am so blissfully happy with today. There is never a "right" time for anything in life, big or small. In my experience, the best things come when you least expect them. Even when you think things are bad, they have a way of working themselves out. A way of teaching you, a way of urging you to embrace everything. No matter when Geno and I decide to do this, there will be a "reason" as to why it's not a good time. There will always be something going on, life will have to be lived all year long. September is just September. And it could possibly be the month my next child is conceived.

I read an article last night written by a woman who had her babies via egg donor and surrogate. She wrote so well, and so much of her article touched home with me. I cried about 18290 times. One part of many that got me at the core - "Infertility feels like a death, but because it's not the death of a person but the death of a hope - a fantasy about the children our dead embryos might have become - that grief vanishes when you first hear the beating of a real heart".

The sound of Neisan's heartbeat was the most magical thing I have ever heard. Followed by his cry. Later his laugh. These next few months are going to be hard and scary, but those sounds are what make life better. They are worth September.

I'm Sucking At This Lately...

Okay - it's been WAY too long. My life has been pretty crazy lately, and I just haven't really been able to sort out any kind of thoughts. Period. When I was thinking today of something to blog about, I realized that so many things happen every day that I can and sometimes need to talk about, and that having to think of something to blog about isn't really the point. It's the things that strike you when you aren't looking for it that usually give you the most feeling. 

So what's been happening... Where to start... 

First of all, Geno and I found an amazing house, and it came about when we weren't even looking. A long time ago Geno met a real estate agent during an open house while out on a motorcycle ride. She deals in high end homes, and always has foreclosures to show. Over the past year she has continued to send Geno emails about new properties out there. Usually he just looks at them online and that's it. This time, she sent him a property on 8 acres that was in foreclosure. A short sale to be exact. And short sales, I'm learning, aren't always short. This house is beyond beautiful. Well it is if you can look past the rooster wallpapered kitchen and knick knacks that adorn every. single. space. But the bones are amazing, the layout is absolutely perfect, and it's on 8 rolling acres, complete with a fully stocked pond and paddle boat. Oh and a barn with a loft as big as the house that Geno and I want to finish out into a huge party space. Kitchen, bar - everything a party spot needs. Ugh I'm already moving in in my head, and we don't even know if it's ours yet! I'm so excited to get in there and put my touch on everything. I have so many ideas, and although it's going to be a process to get it the way I want, I'm looking forward to it so much. Most of this blog will probably turn in to some kind of DIY design blog in the process! And if we do get it, we'll snag it for less than half of what it appraised for! So there's that...

Next on the brain - I'm opening a second Hemline location! SO exciting/scary/draining/exciting. We are set to open November 15 at Park Place in Leawood. We have the best spot in the development, with windows on 3 sides. My brain is on overload with window display ideas!! We will open just in time for the Holidays! Which is great. Except for the fact the the space doesn't even have walls. Yep, it's completely unfinished, and they aren't even able to start building until the city approves our store front. Which, by the way, we completed in 6 days between 8 in person meetings with the architect and about a million emails and phone calls. Cross your fingers that they city will like it! Once they give us the thumbs up we will start the build out. I have so many elements I want to make sure to have in this store that I wasn't able to do at our Plaza location. I'm so excited to see things start to happen!

Then there's the whole when are we going to do another cycle of IVF thing. This one's really tough, and it's really getting to me. On one hand, I want to do another cycle soon for a few reasons. #1. What if it doesn't work? If we do it sooner rather than later, I have more time to try again with either a frozen cycle (if we're lucky enough to have enough snowflakes left) or another fresh cycle in the Spring. #2. I want my babes to be close in age. The longer we wait, the further apart they are getting. #3. I am ready to get it over with. The anticipation of it all is horrible. I am worried about the entire process, and just want to be done with it! Then there are a few reason for wanting to wait. Well there's really just one actually - there is SO much going on this Fall! We could very possibly be moving in to a new house in a few months. I want to be as relaxed as I can possibly be while going through IVF. Moving doesn't sound relaxing at all. Add on all the projects I have planned for the house and you've got a woman who won't stop! Then you add the new store to the mix, and it all just seems like too much at once. Even writing that out makes me feel anxious... So say some prayers for me if it's your thing, that I will be able to make a sound decision about it all. When I look at the bigger picture, 4 months isn't that long to wait. Right?

Those are the main things happening in our lives right now. Of course there are always other smaller things going on - my sister in laws baby shower that I'm hosting this weekend, Geno and I's 6 year anniversary next month, 3 markets to attend to buy stuff for the new store, a trip to the LA Garment District to look at factories for a new label, the planning of our next major Hemline event, designing and manufacturing our own shoe label, designing a Hemline scent with soy candles and essential oils, etc etc etc... So really none of those are small. My life is always moving, ever evolving and definitely never dull. I know that everything will work out in the end, I just have to trust myself. Which isn't always easy. It's never easy really. 

Oh and of course I have to end with something amazing about Neisan, or this post would be totally out of place here. The little man is growing so much, and so fast! He is talking non stop. The terrible twos are in full swing (he's been early on everything else, why not this too?) He's just perfect though. When I'm stressed about work or life or anything in between, he makes it better. We got a new pet this week. A betta fish named "Toot". When Neisan saw him, he said "AAAWWWWW!! TOOOOOOT!!" AKA- "Awww! Cute!" So it stuck. It's a great name considering it could have very well ended up being his other favorite word - have you ever known a fish named "shit'? Me either. 

The Last Time

During the course of our lifetimes, we have many firsts. First friend, first love, first kiss... And when you have a baby, you experience a new first almost daily. You'll always remember the first time your baby smiled at you. Or the first time you fed him baby food, or her first word. You remember the first time you saw him, and her first steps. We remember all of these firsts - they are burned in to our memories, locked away somewhere special where we can always find them when we need to.

But what about lasts? Do you remember the last time you spent time with your best friend? The last time you kissed your first love? Do you remember the last time you fed your baby a bottle? Or the last time you changed his diaper before he was potty trained? What about the last time she let you rock her to sleep? Or hold her while she dreamt? I can't. And I'm so thankful. 

I think it was designed that way. Designed so that we wouldn't know it would be the last time while it was happening. How painful would it be feeding your baby a bottle knowing that it would be the last before sippy cups took over? How sad would it be to carry your sleeping baby in from the car knowing that by the time it happened again they would be too big to carry? We go through our lives every day just doing what needs to be done. We change diapers and don't think twice about it. We help our little ones put on their shoes because they haven't yet mastered it themselves. We push them on the swing because they can't do it alone yet. But one of these days, they will be potty trained. They will get themselves dressed each morning, and probably argue about it along the way. They will swing themselves. And, thankfully, we will not have to play back the last time we helped them with each of these tasks. 

That way, we are left with the sweet memories that they are. 

Infertility Awareness Week

It's been a while since I've blogged. It's not for lack of content, but more because I have had a hard time sitting down and sorting my thoughts for some reason. This is usually the place I can do that, but lately no place has been right.

A lot has been going on - Neisan and I spent three weeks on the beach in Siesta Key, Florida. It was such an amazing trip, and Neisan got really used to being able to hop in his wagon and walk to the grocery store or to the coffee shop or to breakfast. And not going to lie, so did I. Life is so much simpler there. And plus the ocean... My parents have a condo on the sixth floor of a building right on the beach. The views are gorgeous, and it's right in the thick of everything. Live music, good food, everything I love. Needless to say, it was hard to come home. But Neisan is happy to be here, and we are happy to be back with Geno.

Anyways, back to the title of this post. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. As you know, Geno and I are "infertile". And it sucks. After a lot of talking and thinking and praying, we have decided to wait until September to go through another IVF cycle. I want to have a summer with Neisan where I'm not sick. Not giving myself shots. Not a hormonal mess from the crap I'm injecting myself with. So basically in the next few months there will be too much to write here about, and you all might get sick of it. But tonight I wanted to talk about infertility a little bit, mainly about what to say and what not to say to an infertile woman. I know I've been told some pretty annoying things through my journey, and while I know most of the time they were coming from a good place, it didn't make them any less annoying - or painful for that matter. I am pretty sure I can speak for most women going through fertility treatments. So read on, and remember these things the next time you interact with someone suffering with infertility. Because with the rates growing like they are, you probably will know more than one person in your lifetime with the disease. 

#1.

"Just relax! When you stop trying, that's when it will happen."

Infertility is a disease. Diseases need treatment. Most people who are diagnosed as infertile physically can not conceive a child. So relaxing will not do a damn thing. And we will never stop "trying" to make our dreams a reality. Fertility only gets worse with age, so yeah. On top of the fact that there is no baby to show after so many years, so the chances of it happening get lower every year.

#2.

"My so-and-so tried for 7 years to get pregnant, and her doctors told her it would never happen. Now she has 4 kids!"

Thanks for letting me know about yet another person in this world that was able to do the one thing that I want to be able to do more than anything. Those things happen, I know. And I know that this statement is only trying to give hope. But I don't need to be reminded, yet again, that it's not happening to me. 

#3.

"You should try charting your cycles. Taking your temp every morning. Standing on your head after sex. Eating Pineapple. Jumping up and down on your left foot while holding a spoon on your nose. Or any other random old wives tale treatment. It worked for my friend the first time."

Good for her. When you are seeking medical help for any condition, you are probably at the point that you have tried everything else. And I do mean everything. Oh, and thanks for reminding me, AGAIN, that someone else was able to get knocked up.

#4.

"It just wasn't the right time."

 So what exactly is the "right" time. Was the right time for the girl who had the one night stand? Probably not, but she still got a baby. Was it the "right" time for the lady on welfare who already had five kids to feed? I'm guessing no. This statement is so hurtful. So it wasn't my time experience unconditional love? The right time for me to bring a child in to this world that I can support physically, financially, emotionally? It wasn't the right time for me to do the one thing in this world that means the most to me? When is it MY time? This goes right along with the old favorite "It just wasn't meant to be". Thanks for disregarding the baby that I just lost because you think it's bad timing.

#5.

"You can always adopt!"

Oh this ones a doozie. I can?? I NEVER thought about that! Of course adoption is always an option, and a terrific one at that. But it doesn't satisfy the urge and longing for a biological child. It doesn't take care of the sadness that women feel when their bodies won't do what they are made to do. It doesn't pacify the fact that if you choose adoption, you will never be able to feel a baby moving inside of your body, or give birth to a tiny version of you and your significant other. Adoption is something so very personal for everyone, and it's a conclusion couples have to come to on their own, in their own time.

#6.

"My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!"

Good for you.

#7.

"You must be having lots of fun trying!"

Yeah, it's great having so much pressure on both of us every single month. It's the best when you both know you aren't having sex because you want to, but because the chart says it's your best day, then having to go to the doctors office and be poked and prodded and asked a million questions about your sex life. It's a BLAST.

#8.

(From your pregnant friend) "You should feel lucky you don't have morning sickness. I feel like crap!"

Infertile women would give ANYTHING to feel a TWINGE of morning sickness! At this point, we've gone through procedures that involved putting a catheter full of sperm up your vag to make sure it all gets in there. We've given ourselves shots countless times in our stomachs. We've had our feet in stirrups more than most horse back riders. All in hopes that in a few weeks we will barf. Stop complaining!

#9.

"Things could be worse."

For me, right now, this IS the worst. My feelings are valid.

#10.

(In reference to a miscarriage)"Well at least you know you can get pregnant!"

While I never suffered through a miscarriage, I know too many people that have. And it's a HORRIBLE physical and emotional pain. Thank you for using the loss of my child as a test run to see if it can happen. 

So what CAN you say? These are some of the things that my very close friend, Jenny said to me throughout my journey:

"I'm here for you."

"I'm thinking of you."

"I'm praying for you."

She cried with me, laughed with me when it was needed, and listened. That's all I needed.

So this was a crazy long post, but I hope that it helps someone out there. Infertility is an awful thing to go through. It's a roller coaster. An expensive roller coaster. And expensive roller coaster with 50/50 odds. To anyone reading this who is dealing with this disease, I am here to listen. 

To learn more about infertility and treatment options, visit

www.resolve.org