"I love the way you smell, even when you stink"

This was the last conversation I had with Neisan tonight. Every day, about 100 times, he has to stick his feet in my face, I have to sniff them, then I have to scream and tell him how badly they stink. He cracks up every single time. And after a long day with shoes on, his feet really do stink! And I love the way they stink...

Do you ever come across a scent that takes your mind back to the exact time you smelled it? They say that our ability to smell is the most powerful of all our senses. I couldn't agree more. I can step out of the car onto a freshly paved parking lot and suddenly I'm with my best friend Sarah at Worlds of Fun spending our summers riding the Timber Wolf. The smell of Old Spice makes me feel like I'm sitting on my grandpa Gene's lap in his old red leather chair, him asking me if I want to get married - to which I always replied "I can't marry you Grandpa! You're my Grandpa!" - he still asks me to this day. The smell of medical tape reminds me of being a little girl and watching the home health nurses change my dads dressing on his chest catheter from which he received his chemo therapy. Scents can take you back to so many memories, good and bad.

Smelling Neisan's feet on a daily basis might sound like an unpleasant thing. But it's quite the opposite. His stinky feet are part of him. Every morning I get to wake up to his breath on my face as he plants a huge open mouth kiss on me. He has awful morning breath - and I love it. I've used the same soap and lotion on him pretty much since he's been born, and every day when he gets his bath I think of the first time I bathed him. The smell of Burt's Bee's will always be close to my heart. So tonight's blog isn't philosophical or full of bottled up feelings - it's just about my son's stinky feet. Because I really do love the way he stinks. 

A Lot to Take in

So I think this blogging thing is for me. I really like having a place to write down my thoughts and feelings, and to have a place to really think about things. Tonight I have a lot on my mind...

As I've mentioned before, I have pretty hard core anxiety. I've never been very open about it, because quite frankly, I am embarrassed. I have always been a happy girl. A go with the flow, no worries, jump in with both feet kind of girl. Until I got pregnant. Actually, I think it probably started before then with everything I was going through hormonally and all the let downs, but I really noticed it while I was pregnant. I feel like I almost had a break down of some sort. I woke up one morning, and felt like I couldn't breathe. I was terrified, and I didn't even know what I was afraid of. I had an overwhelming fear of being alone all of the sudden. I immediately called my mom in a panic. She came right over and stayed with me all day. All I could do was cry, and I didn't understand any of it. It happened again the next day. And then the next. Day after day, I woke up feeling scared. I was sick - really sick, and I had to be attached to 2 IV's 24 hours a day, one of which I had to change the needle in every 6 hours. It was hell. The only place I could put it was my outer thighs, and they were bruised from top to bottom and hurt so badly I could hardly touch them, let alone stick a needle in them 4 times a day. That needle was attached to a tube and a pump, which I had to take everywhere with me. It was very stylish. Not only did I have to tote that around, but I had an IV in my arm to give me fluids because, despite my amazing bag that was supposed to be giving me anti-nausea medicine, I was still throwing up. All day. Every day. I felt so tied down, and like I had a life threatening illness. I had home nurses in and out of my house. Looking back, it's no wonder I felt the way I did.
My anxiety started getting worse and worse as the days went on. It got to the point where I would cry after we ate dinner, because I knew that meant my mom would have to go home and that we would have to go to bed and be in the dark and quite house. I looked forward to family gatherings, but hated them at the same time because I knew they would come to an end. I would literally get to the gathering, and in my head tell myself it's almost halfway over - what are you going to do now? Thinking about that feeling makes me ill. Geno didn't understand, and had no clue how to help me.  My mom came to stay with me every day for 6 months. We shopped online for everything the baby would need, we watched HGTV until our eyes bled, and learned how to cook anything in this world with bacon in it thanks to Paula Dean. I learned then that a mothers role in your life is so important. She took a leave of absence from her job to be with me. It makes me cry thinking about my mom - I love you so much Mama. My step dad brought me a card home every day for 6 months just to let me know he was thinking about me. My friend Danny came over every day after work to make me laugh. My friends Jenn and Jen called often just to chat. You would think with all of this support I would have absolutely nothing to be scared of. But I was.
After Neisan was born, I went from being anxious to having an anxiety overload. I went from not knowing what I was scared of to being scared of everything. I was scared I would do something wrong as a mother. I was scared I wouldn't hear him when he got up at night. I was scared to put him in the car because we might get in a wreck. The list goes on and on. Being sleep deprived didn't help.
Today, I still battle anxiety. Although I have come a very long way, there are days when I still feel like that sick preggo woman who cried her days away. I'm still afraid of so many things - putting Neisan in the car. Leaving him every day to go to work. Making my husband put up with my anxiety. I'm so afraid that something is going to happen to me. It's an overwhelming fear that I have. What if something does happen to me? Neisan needs me. What if something happens to Neisan? I need him! There are days when I am consumed by these fears... But then there are days when I'm feeling good, and I think about my life. I am losing so much of my life by being consumed with fear. Life is flying by me, and I'm too afraid most days to jump in. Neisan deserves more than that. My husband deserves more than that. I deserve more than that. So I'm jumping in. I'll still worry, I'll still cry sometimes, but I have to jump in. Life is too short. And pressing pause isn't always an option.

One Year Ago

November 12, 2009 at 5:54 p.m., my life was forever changed. Neisan Kristopher Kennedy was welcomed into this world by a waiting room full of people who already loved him. I'll never forget that day as long as I live...
I had been in labor for almost 16 hours, and after all of that, they took him via emergency c-section. Geno and I were joking with the nurses and doctor as they were doing the surgery, saying that if he came out black, we knew Dr. Stewart (our fertility doctor) messed up. Everyone laughed, and as they pulled him out, my doctor said "oh my- he has a big head! And RED HAIR!" Where did the red hair come from?! Everyone was asking. If he wasn't a perfect clone of Geno, I might think Dr. Stewart did mess up. I waited a second, and then I heard the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I had waited so long to hear his cry. I had dreamt about what it would sound like, and how I would feel when I heard it. In that exact moment, the world stopped. That was my son I heard. My flesh and blood, my hard work, the amazing product of modern medicine - a miracle from God. That's when I realized that everyone was right. You never know the meaning of love until you have a child. That feeling I've talked about before in my heart? That's the first time I felt it. I cried and laughed, kissed Geno and watched as they took care of my new baby.
I only got to see Neisan for a few seconds before they had to whisk him away. He was having breathing problems, and they had to get him on oxygen. My mom says she watched him through the nursery windows as the nurses worked on him, but told herself it couldn't be my baby. My baby wasn't going to have problems already. Geno stayed with me until I was in recovery, then went to be with Neisan. After they got his breathing under control and a chest x-ray, they brought him to me. While I was pregnant, I thought about what it would be like to meet him for the first time. I wondered what I would say, what I would feel. They placed him in my arms, all wrapped up like a burrito, his eyes wide open. All I could do was cry. Through my tears, I said "I've waited so long for you". He looked at me with his big eyes, and we immediately were one. I stared at him for the next few hours. I wished so badly that my dad could have been there to meet him. As I watched him, everything else faded away. I forgot about the years of needles and doctors. I forgot about the 6 months of bed rest and IV I had attached to me 24 hours a day. It didn't matter anymore. He was worth everything.
We left the hospital on November 16. It was sleeting outside, and I was a nervous wreck to put him in the car. Geno drove so slowly, and we finally made it home. Hank and Layla greeted him with excitement. Geno and looked at each other with utter fear. What in the hell are we supposed to do with him now?! Those books I read about being a mom? They don't prepare you. Advice from other moms? It only goes so far. It was just us now. Me, Geno and Neisan. That night when he woke the first time, as I fed him I looked out the window. It was the first snow of the season. The house was so quiet. I was holding my newborn baby and watching the snow fall from the sky. That moment was so precious. Neisan is called a snowflake baby because he was a frozen embryo - how fitting that we would watch the snow fall together for the first time that night.
Today Neisan turned a year old. I can't believe how fast this year has gone, and I would be lying if I said it was easy. It has been beyond challenging. Sleepless nights, a baby who was sick for months, trying to keep a healthy relationship with my husband - it's been hard. But I wouldn't give it up for anything. Neisan has brought so much joy to our lives, and we are so blessed to have him. I think a lot about the failed attempts at pregnancy. I was so heart broken after each negative test, let down month after month. I watched everyone around me get pregnant by making eye contact with the opposite sex. I think I've figured all of that out. Neisan was supposed to be mine. He was put on this earth for a reason. While the failed attempts were all so difficult, when I look at him it all somehow makes sense.

"Before you were conceived, I wanted you.
Before you were born, I loved you.
Before you were here an hour, I'd die for you.
This is the miracle of love."
-Maureen Hawkins

I didn't know it when the road was rough and things weren't going my way, but you were the one I was missing. I wanted you, loved you, would die for YOU. God knew what he was doing all along...

Do You Ever Wish You Could?

Press pause I mean? I do. Every day.

I wanted to start this blog for myself more than anything, as a way for me to write down what I'm thinking and feeling. With a baby around, I don't get much time to think about myself or how I'm doing. I want a place where I can be open and honest, and I want people to understand me. Will anyone read my blog? I don't know. Either way, I hope it's good therapy.

A little about me: My name is Annie. I just celebrated my 27th birthday. I own my own business, and I love what I do. My shop is called Hemline - www.shophemline.om - check it out :) I love music, singing, and I love to play the piano and guitar. I love my family. I love my weenie dogs. I love a lot of things I guess. But more than anything? My son. I love my son.

I've been married to my wonderful husband for 5 years (seems like longer, huh babe?) and we have the most perfect little boy in the entire world. This is where the title of my blog comes in - Neisan makes me want to press pause at least once every single day. Geno and I struggled for 3 years to get pregnant. We went through countless procedures. I gave myself shots in the stomach every day for a year. Disappointment after disappointment, we held on to each other. Finally in March of 2009, we had our very last frozen embryo thawed and transferred. It was Neisan.

Neisan (pronounced Nee-Sin) is Hebrew for Miracle, because that's exactly what he is. And he's about to turn a year old. Over the past year, I have wanted to press pause so many times. The first time I saw him, I felt like I had waited so long, and I didn't want the moment to end. Press pause. The first time he smiled at me - press pause. The first time I watched him fall asleep on Geno's chest - press pause. Listening him coo, the first time his coo turned into "Mama", the first time he crawled - pause, pause, PAUSE! He makes my life so happy. It sounds so cliche, and I only heard it 1001 times while I was pregnant, but you honest to God don't know what love is until you have a child. It's just so different than the love you feel for other people. Thinking about him seriously makes my heart feel funny. Like literally I feel like something is happening under my rib cage. He is the happiest baby, and he's been through so much already. We're dealing with severe reflux and ulcers in his esophagus because his doctors couldn't diagnose him, along with a milk and soy protein intolerance. It makes it so hard to feed him because almost everything we eat has milk in it, and if there isn't milk, there is usually soy. He's a little guy, but still has some amazing rolls on his thighs that I can not get enough of! He can make you smile on your worst of days. He's so silly, and he is constantly trying to make people laugh. He is THE most cuddly baby I have ever met, and he might possibly be a Mama's boy. And I love that.

So back to the purpose of this blog - how am I feeling? A little crazy, a lot anxious, a little guilty, and a lot happy. Crazy because I don't have time to think about 1 thing for more than a few seconds before the next issue arrises. I run a business and a family, it gets a little rough at times. A lot anxious because I just do. Anxiety kicked in full force while I was pregnant and has decided to stick around. Hopefully sorting out my thoughts here will help with that. A little guilty because I have to leave my son every day to go to work. He has an amazing nanny who he gets to stay home with every day, at his own house, with his own toys, and he loves her to pieces. But I wish I could be the one to stay with him. I love my job, but I love my baby more. I need to find a good balance between the two. A lot happy because I have a lot to be happy about. I just need to realize it more often and put it into words. I have an amazing opportunity with Hemline right now, and I am trying my hardest to tell my anxiety to let me go so I can take this plunge. I have a husband who has stood by me through everything in my adult life, and he still likes me. And that's a big deal. I have a family who has been steadfast through my trials with infertility and a rough pregnancy, and friends who have shown their true colors when I needed them to the most. And Neisan. He is enough to get me through the rest of my life. So here's to letting my anxieties go, and pressing pause on the happy things. The problem with that? Eventually you have to push play again...