Or is it? IVF is taking over our lives again, and we haven't even started our next cycle.
I had surgery again this past February in thought that I would do a June cycle. After a lot of talking, and a lot of time to get myself worked up and scared, Geno and I decided to put it off. I wanted to have the Summer with Neisan. I wanted to feel good and be able to have one last hurrah if you will. Our thoughts turned to September. Then we all of the sudden stumbled upon this new house venture, and I decided it was a great time to start planning a second Hemline location. Our thoughts about a September cycle suddenly seemed like a bad idea. After more talking and more thinking and more working myself up, we decided January seemed like the best idea. There is just one major problem with this idea - the effects of the surgery I had in February to prepare my body for the June IVF cycle are quickly fading. When you have endometriosis, each month makes your body less able to become pregnant. I do not want to have to do a third surgery...
Along with the ticking time bomb situation, Geno and I have a million other reasons why we don't want to wait to do this. First of all, we don't know if this cycle will be successful. Our first one wasn't, and it was devastating. Plus we had to wait 5 months after our loss to try another. If it doesn't work, we are looking at a second cycle in February. If we wait until January, we are looking at this time next year to still be trying. We want Neisan and his sibling(s) to be somewhat close in age, and the longer we put it off, the further apart they will be. Then there is this feeling of limbo I have while I'm in the decision making process. I feel like I'm not working toward anything, which is frustrating, but yet I feel like I am in a safe place of not wondering and worrying if I'm pregnant. It's a comfortable and horrifying place to be in all at once. We are delaying the inevitable.
Life is crazy. It twists and turns, most of the time in the dark. You can't see what's coming, and you don't know when they ride is going to stop. Or go again for that matter. I should know more than anyone at this point that things like this can't be planned for. If things had worked out like I had planned, I'd have a 4 year old right now. I wouldn't have my most perfect son that I am so blissfully happy with today. There is never a "right" time for anything in life, big or small. In my experience, the best things come when you least expect them. Even when you think things are bad, they have a way of working themselves out. A way of teaching you, a way of urging you to embrace everything. No matter when Geno and I decide to do this, there will be a "reason" as to why it's not a good time. There will always be something going on, life will have to be lived all year long. September is just September. And it could possibly be the month my next child is conceived.
I read an article last night written by a woman who had her babies via egg donor and surrogate. She wrote so well, and so much of her article touched home with me. I cried about 18290 times. One part of many that got me at the core - "Infertility feels like a death, but because it's not the death of a person but the death of a hope - a fantasy about the children our dead embryos might have become - that grief vanishes when you first hear the beating of a real heart".
The sound of Neisan's heartbeat was the most magical thing I have ever heard. Followed by his cry. Later his laugh. These next few months are going to be hard and scary, but those sounds are what make life better. They are worth September.
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