"Turn and face the strain"
Bowie said it. Things are a-changin' in my little world, too.
When I started this blog, I wanted to do it to write about things that mattered to me. I wanted to have a place that I could come to and spew the words and thoughts that took up so much room in my brain. Word vomit if you will. I was happy when I was writing. It made me feel good to know I was helping people through infertility, uplifting someones spirits by being blatantly honest about depression and anxiety. I felt my head clear as I was writing, all of my thoughts and fears traveling out of my head and into my fingers on the keys. I felt vulnerable. I needed to feel all of those things. And I still do. So right now I am pledging to get back in to blogging. *puts hand over heart*
Since I last blogged, a lot of things have happened! I closed my business after almost 8 years. I enrolled in nursing school. I birthed a human being. You know, the usual.
I'll start with closing my business... This is a hard one to talk about. Hemline is all I have known my entire adult life. With the help of my family and a few amazing friends, Hemline was it's own little fashion empire. We would have celebrated 8 years this September, and in those 8 years I learned a lot. But - it was time to call it quits. I am not "boss" material. I hate being in charge of people. I hate telling people what to do and I really suck at communicating in general, so it just really wasn't my roll. I hated knowing that other people depended on me for their jobs to take care of themselves and their families. I hated that if someone left the back door unlocked that I had to drive my happy ass down there in the middle of the night and lock it up. I could go on and on about what I hated about it - but there are so many things I loved, too. I loved being surrounded in art all day, every day. I loved that people left my store feeling like they had a treasure that made them feel like a goddess. I loved being there with my best friends. I loved that the most.
After my step dad had his stroke this past December, things really shifted in our family. My anxiety was already high due to being pregnant (damn hormones) and with the stress of the unknown about how Raj (my step dad) and his recovery, I just couldn't devote what I needed to to Hemline anymore. I had to reevaluate what I wanted, and for the first time in a long time I actually thought about what I really wanted to do. I started Hemline when I was 20 years old. I never had a chance to do anything else, and I was ready for a change. We closed the doors June 11, 2012. By July 12, 2012, I enrolled in nursing school! Hopefully in a few short years I will be working in either labor and delivery or mom and baby care. Who knows - maybe I'll go all the way through med school and work in reproductive endocrinology - that's where my heart really is, just not sure the brains are there...
So I closed a door in my life, I opened a new one, and birthed a human. Can't forget that one. She is the most perfect human to ever be born I might add. Matilda Emaline Kennedy was born on June 4, 2012. She was 7 lbs 4 oz, 17 1/4 in long. She's a shorty! She will be 8 weeks old tomorrow - I can't believe how fast it's going. I also can't believe how different baby #2 is. Adjusting from 0 kids to 1 was WAY harder than 1 to 2 if you ask me.
I've got this parenting thing whipped. riiighhhhttt....
But in all seriousness, having 2 kids is definitely more work, but we somehow just fell into a routine right from the beginning, and it's been a pretty smooth ride! Don't get me wrong, we've had some rough moments - like Neisan wanting to go to the bathroom by himself, not getting his pants undone in time and crapping in them, all the while Matilda is in my arms sleeping and explodes out of her diaper all over the both of us. That was a fun mess. Matilda is such a good baby though. She eats like a pig, and is still up 2 or 3 times a night to eat so we aren't getting a ton of sleep, but she is so easy going and mellow most of the time. She loves Neisan and can't look at him without a full blown open mouth smile, and he can't walk by her without patting her on the head and telling her she's gorgeous or talking to her so closely that her eyes could be permanently crossed. I am still in awe of the fact that I have 2 kids. I feel so blessed and so happy when I look at them. Then I feel bat shit crazy. Why do people have kids?? This shit is hard! It's beyond hard. Nothing worth doing is easy though, right? It's all worth it in the end.
Changes. They are all around me. They may not be what I wanted, but they are changing nonetheless. I can either decide to run away and hide in my little anxiety ridden mind, or I can do as the wise David Bowie said and "face the strain". I'm choosing the latter. Oh and I pledge to blog about it along the way.
