Does Anyone Even Do This Anymore?

Blog I mean? I haven't in a very long time. I just don't have the time anymore! My free time is spent doing homework after the kids are in bed. Or sleeping when the kids are in bed, which is even better. Tonight, however, I felt it necessary to visit my blogging days because Miss Matilda will be turning a year old in about 3 minutes. I started this blog the night before Neisan turned a year old. It's amazing to read back through that post for me and to read what I was feeling. I didn't want to miss out on that with Matilda's very special day. 

Matilda Emaline Kennedy is going to be a whole year old tomorrow. Where in the hell has time gone? When I started this blog, I thought "Press Pause" was an appropriate title. I wanted to pause life so that I could relish in it a little longer, especially where my kids (kid at the time) were involved. I think now I would call it "Push the Damn Pause Button and Hold that Mother

F-er down until I f-ing say so". Or something like that. 

It's just after midnight now - June 4, 2013. A year ago today I was in the hospital after arriving around 5:00 on a Sunday. I was having what I thought were contractions, and a ton of pressure. My c-section wasn't scheduled for another week and a half. I went to sleep that night in the hospital room and waited to see my doctor the next morning so she could decide what we would do about getting that baby out. She came in bright and early the next morning, and within minutes had decided that we would take her out that day! I had a few short hours left of being pregnant. It was so different the second time though. I walked back to the surgery room, got the spinal, talked and laughed through the surgery (except the 2 minute period where I thought I was going to toss my cookies) and had a baby. Easy peasy. I told Dr. Martin it smelled like something burning, to which she reassured me it was just my flesh. Awesome. Then I heard her cry. It wasn't the cry of a tiny little baby who had just come beautifully into the world. It was an all out, balls-to-the-walls, what the F is happening, wail. Homegirl had some lungs on her. She didn't have any of the problems Neisan did as far as needing chest x-rays or help breathing. She was a perfectly healthy, teeny tiny, absolutely gorgeous human being. She weighed in at 7 lbs 4 oz, and a lengthy 17 1/4 in. long. Small and mighty. When I had Neisan, all I could think about was what he would be like, and how life would change with him in it. It was all about Neisan. When I had Matilda, it was all about Neisan. How would he handle having a new baby in the house? How would he feel having to share my love? How would I feel letting him see my love for her? I will never forget the first time he saw her. He looked at her with the sweetest little smile on his face. He sat with me on the bed and held her in his lap. He touched her head and said "hi little baby" and literally just stared at her. That moment is one that will be engrained in my memory for the rest of time. 

Over the next weeks, and then months, we would all come to realize just how different two kids from the same set of parents can actually be. Neisan has always been cautious. He watches and takes things in before trying. He asks questions and wants to know why things are the way they are, and bases decisions on those answers. Matilda walks to the end of the dock, looks in, and proceeds to walk some more. She is a jump in with both feet kind of gal. She has no fear. She loves with all of her being, and throws fits with all of it too. She wears her heart on her sleeve already. She is so easily calmed just by touching her. She is a snuggle bear. She is tiny, but don't let her exterior fool you. I have a feeling she is going to be a force to be reckoned with. She's funny. She will walk over to something she isn't supposed to touch (tonight it was the adirondack chair that she climbs onto, then tries to climb up onto the window sill) look at you, grin and laugh, and shake her head "no", all while doing what she knows she isn't supposed to. She has a super raspy voice. Sounds like she's been smoking for years. Very Godfather-esque if you will. She thinks Neisan is the most hilarious thing that ever happened. He can look at her and she laughs. To which he replies about a million times a day "why is she looking at me?!" Oh the joys of sibling fights. It's already starting. He loves her so much too though. He makes sure she is comfortable, has enough toys, gets her snacks and reads her books. He calls her gorgeous every day. He has so much joy for her when she accomplishes something new. Watching him with her is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. She stares at him in awe. It's beautiful. 

So tomorrow, or today actually, at 2:26 p.m. she will be 1 year old. I can't even fathom that an entire year has gone by. This has been the biggest year of change in my life - some for the better, some not. I have had a hard year. I think Matilda was put here when she was so that I could get through it all. When I lost friends, she brought me back to what life is about. She reminded me of new beginnings. She helped me remember that being a woman is hard - and that I need to model for her how to be a great one. I am striving for that every day now - and I am so much better for it. She saved my step-dads life. When he had his stroke, he told my mom that he was ready to go. As in, leave this world ready- he didn't want to live anymore. I showed him Matilda's sonogram pictures when we learned she was a girl - and he told my mom that he had something to live for. He loves all of his grand children - but I think seeing a new life that was going to be here, and possibly without him, gave him an extra oomph to fight. She has brought so much joy to my heart. I can't even begin to explain my love for this tiny person. I have a daughter. She is my carbon copy. As I rocked her to sleep tonight, I studied her face. Her button nose, her Northcutt chin, her amazingly long eyelashes. It was the last look I will ever have of her at 11 months old. When she wakes in the morning, she will no longer be an infant. My heart breaks and sings all at once with that idea. She's going to continue to grow and change. I must press pause every now and then to make sure I remember her at every stage in her life. I can't wait to see what she's going to be. I can guarantee you she won't be stopped from doing what she wants in life.

 Matilda Emaline Kennedy - I love you with every ounce of my being. I am so lucky to be your mom and so thankful that God blessed me with you. You were meant to be mine, and I yours. Happy First Birthday sister.

"I remember the first time I held you, touched your skin, kissed your face. You've changed our lives forever, our hearts will never be the same. This day is so special, because you turn 1! And the best part of all is - your life has just begun." 

No Really.

Press. Friggin. Pause.

I started blogging 2 years ago last week -(and I've done a pretty crappy job at keeping it up)- but that's beside the point. The point is that I started it just a week before Neisan turned a year old. And he will be 3 tomorrow. THREE!! How did this happen?! 

I read back over my post the night before his first birthday. I thought I loved him so much then - that the love I felt for him couldn't get any stronger or better. It did. This year, these past few months in particular, have given me a whole new perspective into the person Neisan is. The first year of his life I was enamored with every little move he made. I spent so much time relishing in the baby-ness of him. Don't get me wrong, it was absolutely 100% true love from the moment our eyes met - but I still love him even more today. While that first year was so amazing watching all his "firsts", this past year has been about watching him become a real person. And he is a solid human being! He teaches me something new every day, whether it be that I need to watch my mouth ("mama - is F*#$ a nice word?), that I need to check my patience ("mama - don't yell! It's not my favorite!"), or that life is supposed to be fun. Always. He has figured out action figures and super heroes, which means that every minute at my house is an action sequence. He loves music. We spend a lot of our time singing and playing the piano and guitars. We sing everything from "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" to anything and everything by DJ Leslie Hall. He is funny. And I mean really, truly funny, not in that weird kid I think I'm funny sort of way.  He is sweet. Really. Really. Sweet. He stops in the middle of a sword fight to hug me and tell me I'm his "best girl ever". He tells Matilda every day that she is gorgeous and that he loves her. When we go to bed at night we have to talk about what he's going to have sweet dreams about - and sometimes they will make me cry! Tonight? He was going to have sweet dreams about his cousin Ian because he broke his arm - he would dream that Ian would be all better and be able to come and swing on his swing set with him. "And I will push him mama, because his arm might still hurt a little bit". I mean really? Melts my heart. He's starting to ask questions. Like real, legitimate questions. He is so so smart and so curious about the world. What sound does a brontosaurus make? Why are the stars so shiny? Why is the dirt brown? The grass green? The sky blue? I have watched his emotions go from completely oblivious to the fact that other people are watching him, to being so beyond embarrassed in front of a crowd that he cries. I remember going through the stage where he thought a kiss could heal anything. Now when he is hurting, he asks for a kiss, then follows it with telling me that it isn't better, but that he trusts me that it will be. 

I started thinking - if I love him so much more now than I did then, how will I feel in a month? A year? 10 years? It blows my mind to think that I could possibly love this little man even an ounce more. But I know I will. Tomorrow when he wakes up, he will be 3. Even though he doesn't want to be 3, because "that means I'm big, and I want to stay little". In a very short year I will be writing about him turning 4. I read a quote recently that said something about not being able to get this day back with our children, that they will never be this little ever again, and that we should take the time to notice every tiny thing about them today. I did that today especially. I noticed his beautiful copper hair. His blue, almond shaped eyes. His red eyelashes. The tiny freckle that sits right on the tip of his nose. I got sad thinking that this is the last day that he will be two years old. Then I started thinking back to what we've gone through so far, and I remembered that it's only going to get better. So here's to taking a moment to press pause every day this year - because he will only be 3 for a short time. And I will never get these days back with him.

I love you so much Neisan Kristopher. I love you with every ounce of my being, every space in my heart and soul. Thinking about you makes my heart break and sing all at once. You made me a mommy for the first time - I'm so sorry if I screw you up! Look at it this way - all the stuff I'm messing up now is only helping me do a better job with your sister. Thanks for that :)

In Less Than an Hour...

I will be 29 years old. I will start a new year in my life. My last year as a 20-something. And I hope this year is... different... from 28.

A year ago, on my 28th birthday, I was relishing in the fact that I was newly pregnant. I had just finished another IVF cycle, and I was sicker than a dog at 5 weeks pregnant. Little did I know that day that the 28th year of my life would be such a whirlwind. We moved into a new house, celebrated Neisan's 2nd birthday (which means we will be celebrating his 3rd very soon - what?!), spent Christmas wondering if my step dad would make it out of his stroke, and a few months later his bypass surgery. We put our house on the market, I closed my business, and we welcomed a beautiful baby girl into the world. I went back to school. I lost some friends and gained some new ones. I lost a few that I got back. I learned SO MUCH about myself in my 28th year of life. 

Now that I am a mom, I think about my birthday so differently. It should really be a day for my mom to celebrate. I mean the day my kids were born are the two most memorable days of my life, and the two most precious. I looked at my brand new babies with wonder on their birthday's. I imagined what they would do in their lives and what kind of people they would become. I know now that my mom must have wondered those same things - and I hope she is proud. I know she will read this, because she is my biggest fan :) - So - happy birthday to my mom. You brought me into the world 29 years ago today. Thanks for that :) I hope that I have made you proud. I hope that I have lived up to the hopes and dreams you had for me, and that I will be able to for many more years. I hope that I make you happy. You are more important to me than I will ever be able to tell you. I love you so much - so happy birthday... or giving-birth-day!

So here's to year 29! I started this post before midnight, but had a sweet, very pee soaked little girl wake up to eat and get her clothes and diaper changed. Then she decided to crap her pants. So it's officially my birthday - and I rang it in changing a poopy diaper. And I wouldn't wish to have it any other way. Okay, maybe I'd like to have a bottle of wine, a hot bath and a massage/serenade by a beautiful, guitar playing, semi tattooed man... but the poopy diaper was okay too. 

"Back to School, Back to School...

to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool..."

Yep - I'm a student again. And it is SO different this time around! 

When I started college in 2002 (what?!) as an 18 year-old know-it-all freshman, college was just something I did because I was "supposed" to. I was supposed to go and study, get good grades, gain life experience. Other than a few new friends, a slight beer belly and my coveted college cheerleading uniform, life experience was really the only thing on that list that I gained - and even most of that was in a fraternity party beer haze. 

I did the college thing for a few years before I decided that I HATED IT. My family and I opened Hemline in 2004, which meant no more school for me! I was living the life that I thought I wanted. Fashion. Not having a boss to answer to. Working every day with my sisters-in-law.

Slowly the dynamic of owning a business changed, co-workers came and went, and the luster began to wear off. When we closed the doors in June, I knew that week - that day even - that I wanted to go back to school. Not even that I wanted to. That I NEEDED to. Owning a business is hard for everyone involved. You never know if you are going to make it or not. Your income is never permanent, and your job can be swept up with the latest fashion faux-pas. It's tiring, stressful, and while brilliant at times, it could suck the life right out of you at others. I wanted a career that I knew there would always be a need for. I wanted to do something that made me feel good. Something that made me feel like the time spent doing it was worthwhile.

While lying in a hospital bed staring into the eyes of my newborn baby girl, I started to think of all the possibilities I had. Crazy thing babies do to you - they make you happy or something. I mean I had just had my uterus cut open and birthed a human freaking being - the possibilities seemed endless, honestly. And in she came - my nurse, Katy. 

All my mama friends know that the days after giving birth are not the most fun. You're getting your vagina checked out around the clock, the nurses come by and punch you in your abdomen every hour to make sure your uterus is shrinking, and lactation consultants are man handling your boobs while smooshing them into your fragile babies mouth with such force that you want to give her a purple-nurple. Lucky for me though, I had Katy. She was AMAZING. With all the awkward things we go through to have babes, Katy made them seem somehow manageable. She got me everything I needed, brought me good lunch when she thought mine looked like crap, kicked visitors out of my room so I could nurse when I was too afraid to say anything, and helped me take a shower when I couldn't hardly feel my legs. She made me feel so comfortable in such an uncomfortable situation. That's when I decided what I wanted to do. I wanted to be Katy.

I started thinking about all the women in the same position as me- lying there, completely overwhelmed with a new life to care for, wondering how you just got through the amazing massacre that is childbirth, feeling like you just got hit by a large truck. I wanted to help them all. And if I were a nurse, I could help them all. I could have skills that would always be needed. A  job that is good for life. I could leave work when I was done, and actually leave it because I don't own it. I could feel fulfilled by helping other women feel like Katy made me feel.

I started school (again) on August 20, 2012. This time it's a whole new ball game. In 2002 I would cram for a test an hour before class, freak out because I didn't know a thing on it, then get over it super fast because I was free to socialize. "Oh I got a C on the last test? Woo-hoo, I passed!" Now? I am like a studying machine. I look forward to learning about new things. I get excited about taking tests to see how many new things I know. I participate in class discussion. I am an super nerd. And I LOVE it. If I don't pass every little quiz, exam, homework assignment, etc with an 'A' I am not a happy camper. I want to be the best at what I do. It's challenging. It's stressful. It's motivating. It's amazing. I look at all the young whipper-snappers (who, by the way, look a hot mess every day - can you PLEASE put on real clothes and wash your hair before class?) and I feel so wise! I know I'm not an old woman yet, but I just feel like I have grown and changed so much since I was 18. I've gotten married, owned a business, gained 27 nieces and nephews (not quite), had 2 babies, traveled... so I guess I am a lot more wise this time around. I know I have a lot more schooling ahead of me, but I am enjoying the ride already. In a few years I will be a nurse. In a few more hopefully a nurse practitioner. A few (lot) more after that maybe a reproductive endocrinologist. Who knows where it will take me.

I can't wait to find out. 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

"Turn and face the strain"

Bowie said it. Things are a-changin' in my little world, too.

When I started this blog, I wanted to do it to write about things that mattered to me. I wanted to have a place that I could come to and spew the words and thoughts that took up so much room in my brain. Word vomit if you will. I was happy when I was writing. It made me feel good to know I was helping people through infertility, uplifting someones spirits by being blatantly honest about depression and anxiety. I felt my head clear as I was writing, all of my thoughts and fears traveling out of my head and into my fingers on the keys. I felt vulnerable. I needed to feel all of those things. And I still do. So right now I am pledging to get back in to blogging. *puts hand over heart*

Since I last blogged, a lot of things have happened! I closed my business after almost 8 years. I enrolled in nursing school. I birthed a human being. You know, the usual. 

I'll start with closing my business... This is a hard one to talk about. Hemline is all I have known my entire adult life. With the help of my family and a few amazing friends, Hemline was it's own little fashion empire. We would have celebrated 8 years this September, and in those 8 years I learned a lot. But - it was time to call it quits. I am not "boss" material. I hate being in charge of people. I hate telling people what to do and I really suck at communicating in general, so it just really wasn't my roll. I hated knowing that other people depended on me for their jobs to take care of themselves and their families. I hated that if someone left the back door unlocked that I had to drive my happy ass down there in the middle of the night and lock it up. I could go on and on about what I hated about it - but there are so many things I loved, too. I loved being surrounded in art all day, every day. I loved that people left my store feeling like they had a treasure that made them feel like a goddess. I loved being there with my best friends. I loved that the most.

After my step dad had his stroke this past December, things really shifted in our family. My anxiety was already high due to being pregnant (damn hormones) and with the stress of the unknown about how Raj (my step dad) and his recovery, I just couldn't devote what I needed to to Hemline anymore. I had to reevaluate what I wanted, and for the first time in a long time I actually thought about what I really wanted to do. I started Hemline when I was 20 years old. I never had a chance to do anything else, and I was ready for a change. We closed the doors June 11, 2012. By July 12, 2012, I enrolled in nursing school! Hopefully in a few short years I will be working in either labor and delivery or mom and baby care. Who knows - maybe I'll go all the way through med school and work in reproductive endocrinology - that's where my heart really is, just not sure the brains are there...

So I closed a door in my life, I opened a new one, and birthed a human. Can't forget that one. She is the most perfect human to ever be born I might add. Matilda Emaline Kennedy was born on June 4, 2012. She was 7 lbs 4 oz, 17 1/4 in long. She's a shorty! She will be 8 weeks old tomorrow - I can't believe how fast it's going. I also can't believe how different baby #2 is. Adjusting from 0 kids to 1 was WAY harder than 1 to 2 if you ask me. 

I've got this parenting thing whipped. riiighhhhttt....

 But in all seriousness, having 2 kids is definitely more work, but we somehow just fell into a routine right from the beginning, and it's been a pretty smooth ride! Don't get me wrong, we've had some rough moments - like Neisan wanting to go to the bathroom by himself, not getting his pants undone in time and crapping in them, all the while Matilda is in my arms sleeping and explodes out of her diaper all over the both of us. That was a fun mess. Matilda is such a good baby though. She eats like a pig, and is still up 2 or 3 times a night to eat so we aren't getting a ton of sleep, but she is so easy going and mellow most of the time. She loves Neisan and can't look at him without a full blown open mouth smile, and he can't walk by her without patting her on the head and telling her she's gorgeous or talking to her so closely that her eyes could be permanently crossed. I am still in awe of the fact that I have 2 kids. I feel so blessed and so happy when I look at them. Then I feel bat shit crazy. Why do people have kids?? This shit is hard! It's beyond hard. Nothing worth doing is easy though, right? It's all worth it in the end.

Changes. They are all around me. They may not be what I wanted, but they are changing nonetheless. I can either decide to run away and hide in my little anxiety ridden mind, or I can do as the wise David Bowie said and "face the strain". I'm choosing the latter. Oh and I pledge to blog about it along the way. 

Loving Two

Wow - so it's been like 5 months since I last blogged. My life has been crazy, and a lot has changed during these past few months. My pregnancy is still going well, I can't complain! I've been to labor and delivery a few times for contractions, but am on muscle relaxers now and they help keep things calm. Really calm. Like can't move my arms calm. Thankfully I only have to take them before bed now! 

Baby Tilly is doing so well! I had an ultrasound on Monday to check her growth - she is perfect! She's itty bitty except for her head. Thanks, Geno. Neisan had that same big head which resulted in an emergency c section. We are going to go ahead and schedule the c section of this little one now so I don't have to be rushed into surgery after laboring for 16 hours.

Neisan is doing so well too! He is growing so much and talking up a storm. It's so strange to have a full on conversation with a tiny person. He comes up with things that amaze me. The latest? He was playing with a camera he got for his birthday (thanks Tim and Jodi!) and he held it up and said "Mama! Say Pussy!" Wait. WHAT?! Now I am the first to admit that my mouth is not the cleanest. But I happen to HATE the "P" word, so I know he didn't hear it from me. I asked him to repeat it to make sure I didn't mistake cheese for the other word, and sure enough, "Say Pussy!". After almost internally combusting from holding in the laughter that had built up inside, I asked him where he heard that word. His favorite song is "Pussycat, Pussycat I Love You". He was just "saying my favorite song Mama". 

He has been potty trained for a good few months now, and he has done so well with it. I couldn't have had an easier time with it actually! He was good and ready. And he looks ridiculously cute in his boxer briefs and Batman tighty whities. Which, by the way, is his new favorite thing to wear. Underwear and boots. Nothing else.

That little boy is my entire world. He is so freaking amazing! I ask myself every day how in the hell am I going to have this much love for someone else? Is it possible? The closer my due date gets (9 weeks!!) the harder it's starting to hit me that Neisan will have to share my love. It's heart breaking. I'm so afraid he won't understand. As I was sitting in my hormonal state watching him sleep and bawling like a baby at this prospect, I remembered a poem I came across before I was even pregnant with Matilda. I googled it and found it again. It sums up my feelings 100%. Warning: It's a tear jerker!

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
Author Unknown

I'm Still Here!

I have been a horrible blogger lately! So much has been happening these past 6 weeks though, and so many things are blog worthy.

First of all, Neisan turned 2 a few weeks ago! He had an awesome vintage airplane birthday party, got too many presents, and had a great time. He's getting so big. He's so proud of himself that he's "2 on my sirsday" and asks to blow out candles daily. His personality is so so cute - and sometimes challenging - but he has us laughing multiple times every day, and even the bad moments are memorable :) We are going to Florida next week for a few days, and when we get back we are hitting the potty training! Hopefully we will get through it fairly easily.

As for me and this pregnancy, I can't even begin to tell you how different this one is from Neisan. With Neisan by 8 weeks I was on a Zofran pump, which I had to change the injection site out ever 6 hours, it left horrible knots and bruises behind, and really didn't make me feel much better. I was puking 25-30 times a day, and was hospitalized more than a few times for dehydration before I finally got my home health nurse. This time at 10 weeks 6 days, I have had all day nausea, but not much puking! Most of the time I can get rid of the nausea by eating something every few hours, and oral Zofran takes the edge off enough that I can get through the day. I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow - I can't believe how quickly it's going this time around. When I turned 10 weeks pregnant I was able to stop taking progesterone, which is amazing! I'm finally off of every fertility med! It feels so strange to be on this side of infertility again. It's that happy place of knowing you are done with the process of getting pregnant, but a scary place where you second guess every little symptom. This morning I woke up feeling pretty good - no nausea, no puking. I was relieved that I had a good morning, but I immediately started thinking that something must be wrong. Thankfully I have a fetal doppler at home that I can use to hear the little heartbeat whenever I feel the need! It gives such great reassurance. Neisan is so sweet with my belly. Now that it's starting to show a bit, he rubs it and kisses it all the time. He tells me it's his baby sister and that we should name her baby girl :) He's going to be the best big brother, I can't wait to see him in that role. And I feel so blessed to be able to give him the opportunity to be a brother...

We are finally almost settled in the new house. We've got our trees up, pictures on the walls and all the painting is finally done! We painted every last inch of it, including trim and ceilings and cabinets. It will be a few more months before we've got everything where we want it, but I can say that things here are really good so far! Now we need to find out what this baby is so we can paint the nursery - the one room in the house we haven't painted yet! I'll post some before and after pictures soon, it's a HUGE transformation. We are proud of it!

This last little bit is a poem that my sweet friend Mandy sent to me. It is so true to my love for Neisan and this new little one. It's absolutely beautiful - 

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will b better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money that I have or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when other hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.