First of all, and update! Geno and I had our embryo transfer last Sunday, October 2. We had 1 perfect, beautiful 5 day embryo transferred at 9:15 in the morning. Dr. Stewart came in our room and told us that we had a "pretty" embryo and that they were ready for us. We walked down to the room and got in position - the most uncomfortable position you can imagine - and watched while the nurse did an ultrasound so Dr. Stewart could see where to put the embryo. The embryologist came out of the little room and held up the catheter and said "Kennedy embryo" (that's my favorite part) and handed it off to Dr. Stewart. There was a monitor above my head so I got to watch the whole thing. You could see the catheter go in (via ultrasound, there wasn't a camera down in my lady) and then a little white dot came out of the end - that's the embryo! It's such a cool thing to be able to see your potential baby being put into your womb. It's surreal. When we did the transfer with Neisan, Geno and Dr. Stewart were singing the Batman theme song because the huge light that shines on your baby maker reminded him of Batman... So we made sure Neisan wore his Batman pajamas the night before for good karma. After the transfer was done, I had to lie flat for 30 minutes, then I was free to go. Not going to lie, it's so hard to stand up after the 30 minutes are up - I'm so afraid every time that it's going to fall out. I know it's not gonna happen, but a little part of me still freaks out. Oh and sneezing? That's sure to force anything out from anywhere... Each sneeze brought on a little panic too. Actually, they still do... My nurse let me know the next day that the other two embryos were good enough quality to freeze, so I was very happy with that news! It's like having insurance. And Neisan was a frozen embryo, so I have a good feeling with them :) It's also so strange that you feel connected with these embryos from the very beginning. I know it's a group of cells, and before I actually had a child I didn't think about it this way... But now that I know what that group of cells can become, I found myself being a lot more emotional and attached to the tiny embryo on the screen.
It's so weird even sitting here typing this knowing that I have a little embryo inside of me that is either getting comfy or isn't. There are so many ups and downs. One minute I'm super positive and am sure it worked, the next I'm sure it didn't. I have been analyzing every little cramp and twinge, and it's making me crazy. It's too early to know anything, so I have to stop! While I am chomping at the bit to know, at the same time this place is a safe one. By not knowing, I have this little hopeful place that keeps telling me it's possible. I'm not sad yet, and things haven't been pulled out from under me. It's such a strange feeling...
When I started this IVF journey again, I knew from the beginning that I wanted to write about it. I wanted to do it for a few reasons: 1. I wanted to remember what it was like, down to every last detail. I want to be able to look back at this someday and see how far I've come, and I want my future child or children to see this and know how much I really wanted them. And 2. because I wanted to be able to tell my friends and family all the details in one place. I thought it would save me from having to explain everything 100 times.
I forgot one big part of all of it though... I don't know how I am going to be able to write about this if it doesn't work. At least right away. People have already been asking when the pregnancy test is and when I will find out. Of course everyone wants to know, I mean I've been more than forward with information thus far. But I am terrified. If it doesn't work, I want to be left alone for a while. The first unsuccessful attempt was really really hard, and I needed time to grieve with myself and Geno. We lost a baby together, and we wanted to take time to each other after all that we had gone through. And if it does work? Well I want to be able to tell my family first. I want to be able to do something special to tell them all the news, and to celebrate with them first. Then you believe me, I will be shouting it from the roof tops when it happens! But for now, let me just say that everyone will know soon enough.
Okay now the days can start moving right along.......
This isn't our embryo, but you can see what a 5 day embryo looks like! The inner mass part is what makes the fetus!
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