Oh, Happy Day!

As most of you know already from my facebook post, I'M PREGNANT!!! I actually started testing last Friday, October 7. I was feeling really crampy and just kind of yuck. I justified it in my head by telling myself that if it came back negative, it would have been because it was too early. So at about 3:45 in the afternoon, I pee'd on that stick. About a minute later the results came up - the second line was faint, but it was definitely there! I immediately called Jenny and had a freak out attack while on the phone with her, and of course she joined in. I was crying and shaking and in disbelief. It's funny how shocking it is to be so surprised that your pregnant when there was obviously a damn good chance you were, by the way. After I freaked out with Jenny, I ran upstairs to Neisan's nanny, test in hand. She freaked with me too, and there were more tears and more staring at the pee stick. She was an awesome person to share this with - she is the other mom to Neisan basically, and now she will have a new little life to care for. After we were done being crazy, I decided I needed to probably tell Geno... He wasn't home when I took the test, so I tried to think of an awesome way to tell him before he got home in 5 minutes. I thought of basically nothing, so I taped the test to the door coming in from the garage, the one he would have to come through to come inside. I used bright blue painters tape, and made sure it would be right at his eye level. His truck pulled up, the dogs barked, and I waited for him to come in, surprised as ever. In he walked. And nothing. He didn't freaking see it. Now this doesn't surprise me in any way, and it honestly made the whole thing better. I told him to go look at the door, and then got a great reaction - a fist bump. Gotta love my husband.

All this time Neisan had been sleeping. When he woke up, I went to get him out of his room. I got in his bed with him and told him "mama's gonna have a baby!" Now normally he would reply with his stern toddler all about me attitude with something to the tune of "no, my baby! Mine mama!" but all he said was "pink". I asked him what he said, and just said "pink" again. I'm so anxious to see if this baby is a girl now! 

This morning we had our official blood test. They measure the hcg in your bloodstream and check it two days later to make sure the numbers are doubling in 48 hours. My level was 302! That's an amazing number, now we just have to make sure it's getting bigger and bigger! When I went into the clinic this morning, everyone who has been by me throughout all of this came in to tell me congratulations, and to do a mini celebration with me. I just love them all there so much, and I know that had the outcome been different, they still would have been there.

Geno and I are obviously on cloud 9 right now, and have been since the first faint line. At the same time though, I know I have to be cautious. It's so early in the pregnancy (like 4 weeks) and I know that anything can happen. So why did we decide to tell everyone? We decided that when we found out we were pregnant with Neisan that we had had too many negative tests. We had tried without success too many times, and that we were going to celebrate, for however long we could, that we were going to be parents. That's the philosophy we are going with again. We don't know how the pregnancy will end up, but for right now we are pregnant. And we are so beyond happy right at this moment that we want to tell everyone! All those thoughts and prayers that were sent our way throughout all of this have been so amazing - and we want to keep them up! If all goes well, we will be holding our baby on June 19, 2012. 

It's so strange to be pregnant again, especially since I don't really have any symptoms yet. That first trimester tiredness is starting to come in small doses, but other than that I feel pretty normal. Neisan talks about it all the time, telling everyone that mama has a baby in her tummy, and that it's his baby. He says it's a girl, and that it will have a "hoo", not a "weenie". I will be happy with a hoo or a weenie - I am pregnant, and I am going to have another baby! Oh happy day......

Didn't Think this Through...

First of all, and update! Geno and I had our embryo transfer last Sunday, October 2. We had 1 perfect, beautiful 5 day embryo transferred at 9:15 in the morning. Dr. Stewart came in our room and told us that we had a "pretty" embryo and that they were ready for us. We walked down to the room and got in position - the most uncomfortable position you can imagine - and watched while the nurse did an ultrasound so Dr. Stewart could see where to put the embryo. The embryologist came out of the little room and held up the catheter and said "Kennedy embryo" (that's my favorite part) and handed it off to Dr. Stewart. There was a monitor above my head so I got to watch the whole thing. You could see the catheter go in (via ultrasound, there wasn't a camera down in my lady) and then a little white dot came out of the end - that's the embryo! It's such a cool thing to be able to see your potential baby being put into your womb. It's surreal. When we did the transfer with Neisan, Geno and Dr. Stewart were singing the Batman theme song because the huge light that shines on your baby maker reminded him of Batman... So we made sure Neisan wore his Batman pajamas the night before for good karma. After the transfer was done, I had to lie flat for 30 minutes, then I was free to go. Not going to lie, it's so hard to stand up after the 30 minutes are up - I'm so afraid every time that it's going to fall out. I know it's not gonna happen, but a little part of me still freaks out. Oh and sneezing? That's sure to force anything out from anywhere... Each sneeze brought on a little panic too. Actually, they still do... My nurse let me know the next day that the other two embryos were good enough quality to freeze, so I was very happy with that news! It's like having insurance. And Neisan was a frozen embryo, so I have a good feeling with them :) It's also so strange that you feel connected with these embryos from the very beginning. I know it's a group of cells, and before I actually had a child I didn't think about it this way... But now that I know what that group of cells can become, I found myself being a lot more emotional and attached to the tiny embryo on the screen. 

It's so weird even sitting here typing this knowing that I have a little embryo inside of me that is either getting comfy or isn't. There are so many ups and downs. One minute I'm super positive and am sure it worked, the next I'm sure it didn't. I have been analyzing every little cramp and twinge, and it's making me crazy.  It's too early to know anything, so I have to stop! While I am chomping at the bit to know, at the same time this place is a safe one. By not knowing, I have this little hopeful place that keeps telling me it's possible. I'm not sad yet, and things haven't been pulled out from under me. It's such a strange feeling...

When I started this IVF journey again, I knew from the beginning that I wanted to write about it. I wanted to do it for a few reasons: 1. I wanted to remember what it was like, down to every last detail. I want to be able to look back at this someday and see how far I've come, and I want my future child or children to see this and know how much I really wanted them. And 2. because I wanted to be able to tell my friends and family all the details in one place. I thought it would save me from having to explain everything 100 times. 

I forgot one big part of all of it though... I don't know how I am going to be able to write about this if it doesn't work. At least right away. People have already been asking when the pregnancy test is and when I will find out. Of course everyone wants to know, I mean I've been more than forward with information thus far. But I am terrified. If it doesn't work, I want to be left alone for a while. The first unsuccessful attempt was really really hard, and I needed time to grieve with myself and Geno. We lost a baby together, and we wanted to take time to each other after all that we had gone through. And if it does work? Well I want to be able to tell my family first. I want to be able to do something special to tell them all the news, and to celebrate with them first. Then you believe me, I will be shouting it from the roof tops when it happens! But for now, let me just say that everyone will know soon enough. 

Okay now the days can start moving right along.......

This isn't our embryo, but you can see what a 5 day embryo looks like! The inner mass part is what makes the fetus!