I'm Still Here!

I have been a horrible blogger lately! So much has been happening these past 6 weeks though, and so many things are blog worthy.

First of all, Neisan turned 2 a few weeks ago! He had an awesome vintage airplane birthday party, got too many presents, and had a great time. He's getting so big. He's so proud of himself that he's "2 on my sirsday" and asks to blow out candles daily. His personality is so so cute - and sometimes challenging - but he has us laughing multiple times every day, and even the bad moments are memorable :) We are going to Florida next week for a few days, and when we get back we are hitting the potty training! Hopefully we will get through it fairly easily.

As for me and this pregnancy, I can't even begin to tell you how different this one is from Neisan. With Neisan by 8 weeks I was on a Zofran pump, which I had to change the injection site out ever 6 hours, it left horrible knots and bruises behind, and really didn't make me feel much better. I was puking 25-30 times a day, and was hospitalized more than a few times for dehydration before I finally got my home health nurse. This time at 10 weeks 6 days, I have had all day nausea, but not much puking! Most of the time I can get rid of the nausea by eating something every few hours, and oral Zofran takes the edge off enough that I can get through the day. I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow - I can't believe how quickly it's going this time around. When I turned 10 weeks pregnant I was able to stop taking progesterone, which is amazing! I'm finally off of every fertility med! It feels so strange to be on this side of infertility again. It's that happy place of knowing you are done with the process of getting pregnant, but a scary place where you second guess every little symptom. This morning I woke up feeling pretty good - no nausea, no puking. I was relieved that I had a good morning, but I immediately started thinking that something must be wrong. Thankfully I have a fetal doppler at home that I can use to hear the little heartbeat whenever I feel the need! It gives such great reassurance. Neisan is so sweet with my belly. Now that it's starting to show a bit, he rubs it and kisses it all the time. He tells me it's his baby sister and that we should name her baby girl :) He's going to be the best big brother, I can't wait to see him in that role. And I feel so blessed to be able to give him the opportunity to be a brother...

We are finally almost settled in the new house. We've got our trees up, pictures on the walls and all the painting is finally done! We painted every last inch of it, including trim and ceilings and cabinets. It will be a few more months before we've got everything where we want it, but I can say that things here are really good so far! Now we need to find out what this baby is so we can paint the nursery - the one room in the house we haven't painted yet! I'll post some before and after pictures soon, it's a HUGE transformation. We are proud of it!

This last little bit is a poem that my sweet friend Mandy sent to me. It is so true to my love for Neisan and this new little one. It's absolutely beautiful - 

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will b better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money that I have or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when other hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.