News.

Not good news, but not horrible news either. Just news.

I went in today for my first monitoring appointment since I started the stimulation part of the cycle. I had blood drawn to make sure my hormone levels are where they should be and to look at how many follicles I have growing. That's where the news comes in... I only have a few growing :( 

Last cycle I had around 10-12 good size follicles at this point, so this was a HUGE disappointment for me. And I say for me because my doctor doesn't seem to be too distraught over it. Although last cycle I had more eggs growing, they weren't all viable and able to be fertilized. At retrieval they were able to get 15 eggs, and through ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection) only 6 of those follicles were made into embryos. From those 6, 2 were transferred and 4 were thawed. The first two were not successful, and when it came time for our frozen embryo transfer only 1 made it through the thaw process. That strong little guy was Neisan. My point in all of this is that if last time I had 15 eggs retrieved and only 6 were viable, then my 4 or 5 are looking pretty poor right about now. 

Now my doctor wasn't too upset over it, and I am putting all of my trust in that office and the people there. This new shot that they added to my protocol is supposed to produce the best quality eggs, along with the other two meds from my first cycle. Together they produce strong eggs, which make strong embryos, which have a much much higher chance of "sticking". That's where the not horrible news comes in. If I only end up with 7 or 8 eggs, but those eggs are all stronger than the eggs from my first cycle, then I have surpassed the level I was at 3 years ago with my 15 eggs. 

Did I blow your mind with all of that yet? I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it all, and when I try to write it out, it seems confusing... At this point though, I have to make myself believe that it will all work out. I don't want to hear it from anyone that "it will work out like it's supposed to", because that just pisses me off. I am SUPPOSED to have another child. It's not SUPPOSED to happen that I will have an unsuccessful cycle and these embryos will die. I don't want to hear that. I do, however, want to say that this is a bump in the road. I am supposed to be a mother. I am not "meant" to go through life struggling to make this dream a reality. Today was disappointing. But I go back in on Saturday for more blood work and another ultrasound, then every day after until the egg retrieval. So until then, say a prayer, a positive vibe, a happy thought - whatever it is you do. I'm just ready for this to all be over with... I'm emotionally drained. I'm physically drained. My ass hurts.

This Saturday is my next appointment, so until then I am just staying the course. 3 more shots down tonight, now I'm just saying an extra prayer with each one that they make those follicles GROW!!