This is a question that I ask myself all the time. It's part of the reason I started blogging. So many of us go about our days, our lives really, trying to be someone - or something - we are not. We spend our days portraying a happy person or family on Facebook. When old acquaintances ask us how we are, we automatically reply with the token answer - "doing well".
That was me. It's not that I didn't know who I was, but more so that I was afraid of people knowing who I really was. I've done things in my past that I regret completely, and if I could take them back, trust me - I would - 100 times over. And those regrets made me hide. I hid my feelings. I was afraid to be too happy, because I felt that I should forever be in debt to my past and the people I hurt. I made myself sick over friendships that I lost. I put on a happy face and went about my life, but in the back of my mind, and mostly in my heart, I was someone else.
Of course it's all going to come back to Neisan, and if you've read any of my blogs, you know it always does. But the kid has a way of doing that to you. When I had Neisan, of course I became a mother. But more than that, Neisan made me be ME. As I've watched him grow and learn, I have thought a lot about what I will do as a parent and a teacher to him. What life lessons will I teach him? How will I handle situations like fit throwing, door slamming, missing curfews, dating? What advice will I give him when he's hurting? All of those things require a person to be who they really are. To do what feels like the best thing to do in your heart. It's so real. And it has to be that way to make your point.
In the midst of thinking about all the things I want teach him, I found myself again. I want Neisan to be kind. I want him to be confidant. I want him to be humble, empathetic, determined. And how better to teach him all of these things than to be them myself?
So who am I? I am a mother. A wife. A daughter. A sister. A friend. A business owner, a fashion lover, an aspiring musician. This is me physically, in a nutshell. Mentally there are so many things I want to be. I want to live my life for other people, because that is what makes me the happiest. I want to start volunteering again. I want to teach Neisan the importance of helping others. So here's to finding who I am, and to finding who you are - and being that person every day. Don't be afraid - because the person you want to be is more often than not the better of the two of you.
