They're Heeerrre!

No, not the poltergeist. My meds. Which right now, looking at them and all their sharp glory, are about as exciting as a poltergeist. Never seen The Poltergeist? Then this opening seems pretty stupid, huh?

  So today while I was at work, my box of fertility meds arrived. I remember so clearly how I felt the first time we went through IVF on the day they came. I didn't expect such a big box, and once I opened them all and set them out, I immediately started crying. I was so overwhelmed. I hadn't even thought about the needles at that point, I was just trying to decipher the different medications and what I was supposed to do with them. There were just so many! Today was some of the same, but definitely easier. I was, and still am tonight, worried that I didn't refrigerate the correct ones... The information sheets that came with them said to check the label on the box, but they covered up the box with my information. When I peeled the label off, the box peeled off with it. So much for that! I'm sure my nurse already loves me - I just got them, haven't even started them, and I already have questions. 

So what do each of these magical little medications do? Where to begin... On September 7, I start Lupron. That is a shot that I will give myself in my stomach once every day. It is part of the suppression cycle, the part of an IVF cycle where they shut your ovaries completely down so that the doctor can have control over them through other medications. I will be on Lupron throughout the entire process. It makes me feel like a crazy person, so it's no good. Oh and plus I'm on birth control (ironic, right?) so my body will be further shut down so other people can have control over it. Awesome. On September 17 I start Follistim and Repronex, both are shots given in the stomach. They are the stimulation part of the cycle. The Follistim will help me develop mature eggs, and hopefully lots of them! It comes in a little cartridge that you put inside a pen. You dial it to the right dosage and give the shot. Repronex is a new drug for me, I didn't have to take it last time. Dr. Stewart started seeing a trend in women who were on it for different reasons, in that they were all having successful cycles. He decided to add it in to every cycle and he has seen amazing results! It works along with the Follistim to produce multiple eggs at once. This is a shot that has to be mixed each time with a powder and liquid form. I'm so nervous I will screw that up... and it's too expensive to screw up! I'll be on both of these until around the 27th, depending on how I'm responding to everything. If my eggs are the right size, which will be determined by internal ultrasounds and blood work daily, I will stop the 27th. If they need more time, I'll just keep going until they are ready! Once my eggs are ready for retrieval, they will schedule my hcg "trigger" shot. I will do it on whatever evening they tell me to, and 36 hours later will be my egg retrieval. It's so time sensitive, and this part really freaks me out! Once you do the hcg shot, it triggers your body to ovulate and release all the eggs. You need the hcg to make the eggs mature completely. They aren't ready until something like 32 hours later, but if you are later than 38 or so, you are too late - your body will naturally ovulate all of those precious eggs you worked so hard to grow! That would be beyond devastating. It would end your cycle, right at the very end. Ugh, not even going there. Oh and as an added stress, I have to mix that one too. I hate mixing, I just know I will screw it up! In the mean time Geno and I both have to take Doxycycline to make sure we are both free of any virus before our egg retrieval. Yeah, Geno has to take a pill. For 5 whole days. This is the part you can stop reading if you don't want to hear about vagina's. The day of my egg retrieval I start Endometrium. It's a vaginal suppository of progesterone that will make my body think it's preparing for pregnancy. Since they shut it down with the Lupron, my body won't know to make progesterone naturally. This awful horse pill will trick it into doing the right thing. 

I think that's all of them! You can see why I was so overwhelmed the first time I opened this box... and not going to lie, I am very overwhelmed this time too. It's just in a different way. I am so glass half empty on this go around. I don't know where it's coming from, but I am so afraid that it's not going to work. That all of this preparing, and all of this crap I'm about to put myself through isn't going to make a difference. And even though I am so negative about it, it won't make the potential let down ANY easier. I mean no matter what I "feel" the outcome will be, there is obviously something in me that says to go with it or I wouldn't be willing to do all of this. Geno and I have to fill out paperwork and turn it in next week before we can start our stimulation part. There are all these questions we have to answer, and they are not easy questions in the least. How do you feel about answering this? "In the event that one or both people die while you have frozen or live embryos, what do you wish to do with them? Let them thaw and die? Donate them to another family? Donate them to science?" I hate this question!! I mean all of me wishes I could say "donate them to another family". But I can not stand the thought of a little Neisan being raised by someone we will never know. That our flesh and blood, who we wanted more than anything in the world, is on Earth, but in someone else's arms. It's such a selfish way to be, but I can't help it. I would be lying if I said I was okay with that. But let them thaw? It's just letting your potential babies go. I can't stand that thought any more than the previous. Donating them to science is out of the question... or is it? Donating them so that doctors can find a cure for infertility, and make couples all over the world have a 100% chance at a family? No. No science experiments on my child. I can't stand that thought either... We have to answer that same question if we get pregnant, have all the babies we want or can physically have, but still have frozen embryos left over. I mean Neisan was a frozen embryo. How could I EVER make that decision??

So that's the low down on all the medications I will be injecting, swallowing, and depositing... I know a lot of people will stop reading at paragraph 2, but for those who want the info, I hope that gave you all you need and more! I'll update often once we actually start the medications, and I will absolutely update when we get closer to "go time"! 

Going back to the start of this post, I got a call last week from Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy. They were ready to go over each of my meds with me, tell me what they were, followed by how much they each cost. After a long, nerve wracking conversation, the woman on the other end asked if I had any more questions. I had heard all my brain could handle, so I told her "no". Then she asked me for my credit card info. How surreal of a situation is one where you literally purchase your baby via telephone with a complete stranger?

My meds! That's a lot of needles...

Geno's meds. Enough said.

The First Real Step...

Today Geno and I went for our first big step for our September cycle! It was crazy being there again, and doing those same familiar steps. The feelings were all so much alike the ones I had 3 years ago, but so very different at once...

This was the day for my saline sonogram. Let me tell you how fun these are NOT. However, they are very important to an IVF cycle, as they will tell the doctor the state of your uterine lining. This was a good gauge for them to see what mine does over time, as by the time a person's body is ready for the embryo transfer, it should be between an 8 and a 12. You can stop reading now if you are easily grossed out. Or if you're my brother for example. Or if you don't like hearing about uterus's and vagina's. In a nutshell, the nurse practitioner uses a speculum so she can get a good look at your cervix. Then she inserts a catheter into the cervix, which has a balloon on the end. The balloon, once it's all the way inside, is filled up with water. The speculum comes out, and in goes the sonography probe. Yup - you get to have an internal sonogram, all the while holding onto a bunch of water up inside your cervix. And a balloon. The first time the balloon wouldn't inflate. So she got to do it all twice! It hurt. It was uncomfortable. And I was afraid to look at the screen. The last time I had one of these exciting little tests performed, they found out I had too many cysts to continue on with a new cycle. This time though, we had good news! The lining of my uterus is right as it should be for the point in my cycle. Woo-hoo! To top it off, that's the only saline sonogram I will need for this cycle! Double woo-hoo!

Geno was fully prepared to have to give them a specimen... but he lucked out today, and gets to do it at another appointment. I'll be sure to tell you all about it when the time comes :) After the sonogram we sat down with our nurse coordinator to do a "teach". She went over all the meds I will be taking, injecting, and depositing. Although we've done this all before, I wanted to be completely sure I am comfortable with everything before my box of meds arrive and I freak out! We got our calendars, so we know tentatively what days we will start meds, add new meds, and the date for the egg retrieval and embryo transfer. These dates are all tentative because you don't know how your body will respond to all of this. I could stimulate really quickly, and they would have to move up the egg retrieval date, or could take longer to stimulate and have to push the date back. Then if our embryos look amazing, we can wait to do a 5 day embryo transfer (which is great, because if your embryo's are surviving 5 days outside the womb, they are strong ones!) or a 3 day transfer. Which is what Neisan was :). Still with me? Okay, there's more. So on September 7 I will start the first medication. It's called Lupron, and I give myself one shot of it a day in my stomach. On the 17th, I start 2 more injections, both of which will start my eggs growing away! Depending on how fast they grow, and how many grow, will determine our retrieval date. Right now we are looking at September 27. On the 22nd I will start going in to the office daily to have internal ultrasounds and blood work done so they can see how I'm responding to all the meds. By the time I'm done with the shots, I will have given myself 4 a day!

That's a lot of info. But I wanted to kind of lay it out there so my friends and family who are joining me on this journey kind of understand what's happening, and why it goes a certain way. During our first IVF cycle I didn't really talk about it to anyone. During our frozen embryo cycle I didn't tell anyone - until we found out we were pregnant. It took a lot of stress off of me to not have people asking a million questions, and it was great not feeling like I had to tell people about this very personal part of my life. Having said that though, I feel like this time around, I want the people who care about me, and the people I care about, to be completely in on this. I feel like blogging about it, on my own terms, will take off the pressure of having to tell people individually. Plus, I know a lot of my friends don't like to ask too many questions, because they don't want to pry - but I know they want to know. So this is a great way for that to happen too. And, in the end, I will always have this to look back on for years to come. I will get to recall everything, from the procedures, to the feelings I felt. I think this will be an amazing thing to look back on one day, no matter what the outcome.

There it is! Our first tiny step in this next HUGE leap we are taking! Right now, at this moment, I do not want to press pause. I want to fast forward to the good parts. 

Oh and for a little tidbit about Neisan - he pooped in the potty yesterday! I'm 99% sure it was a fluke, but I'll take it!!