A Beautiful Day...

I've had a bit of a writers block lately. For some reason every time I've sat down to write, I just can't put anything into words. Today cured that.

This morning Geno and I woke up with Neisan in between us, and the weenie dogs at our feet. We couldn't wait for him to wake up. We couldn't wait to see the look on his face when he saw all those presents! And sure enough, we opened our bedroom door to the loft which was filled with gifts, and Neisan (squinting while his eyes adjusted to the lights) let out his signature, very excited, 'Ooohhhhhhhhhhhhh"!! It was perfect. I mean compared to last year, when all he did was sleep, poop or cry, this was amazing! 

After we opened all our presents and ate home made cinnamon rolls, we got ready to go to my moms house. My mom has such a beautiful house. And she fills that beautiful house with more presents than you could possibly wrap your mind around. We scored big time! It took Geno two car trips to get it all home. And we have an SUV. Of course getting presents is great, and giving is even better, but today as I looked around me, I realized just how blessed I am. 

Do you ever sit back and watch people when they are in their own world? When they aren't thinking about being on display? Today while my family celebrated, I watched. I watched my brother Jake as he watched his sons opening their gifts. He beamed when the boys got excited. It was like that was all he needed. I watched my grandpa take care of his wife who has Alzheimer's. She can't remember her name most of the time, but she absolutely loves Neisan. So Grandpa made sure to take him to her throughout the day. Because he knew that would make her smile. I watched my mom light up every time someone opened a gift that she knew they would love. We didn't have a lot of money growing up, so she didn't get to buy a lot of things for people. Now that she can, it brings her so much joy to give to her family. 

As I was enjoying my family, I realized that not one time had I felt anxious. I was in the moment, and it felt good. I wasn't afraid that the day would come to an end. For the first time in a long time I felt like it was okay. I guess being with the people I love, and the people who love me, made me forget. I'm starting to realize that just because something comes to an end, it doesn't mean it's THE end. It's like when I think about Neisan and how he's growing. Every stage and age that he's gone through, I've said it was my favorite and I didn't want it to end. But then the next stage comes along and I love it even more. That's life. And while I am sad that this Christmas is over, I am finally starting to see that what is to come is just as wonderful as what is happening now. And that is a beautiful thing. And today was a beautiful day. 

My Other Love - Hemline

The point of starting a blog was for me to be able to put into writing my thoughts and feelings. Since I've started blogging, I have really been able to look at different aspects in my life and to weigh the importance of each of them. My family is obviously the most important part, and it always will be. But I have also come to realize recently that I have to do something for just me. We all have to be selfish at some point to stay sane. Neisan is with his nanny every day while I go to work, and most of that time is spent by me worrying about what he is doing. I have spent the last few days during those times thinking about other things besides Neisan that bring me joy. The first thing to come to mind? Hemline. How lucky am I that my job is the next best thing to my family in my life? 

A little history on Hemline:

The original Hemline opened in 1994 in the historic French Quarter in New Orleans, Louisiana by Brigitte and Luciano Holthausen. In 2004, my parents and I went on a trip to New Orleans for a medical conference my step dad was attending. I immediately fell in love with the city. I loved the people, the music playing in the streets, the feeling of being so free to be who you are. I have always been really in to ghosts and haunted history, so I talked my family in to going on a midnight ghost tour through the French Quarter. The tour started out at a little bar (in true New Orleans style), and the small group headed out, drinks in hand of course, to hear tales of the cities most haunted places. Our tour led us down Royal Street. Our tour guide was pointing across the street at a supposedly haunted hotel. All I could focus on was the amazing dress in the window behind me. I looked at the street signs and told my parents to remember where we were so we could go back when they were open. That store was Hemline. We went back the next day, and I instantly fell in love. I inquired about the owner of the store and the girl working gave me Brigitte's name and phone number. I was in college at the time, hating every moment of it. I had no idea what I wanted to be, which led me in no direction. All I knew is that I wanted to do something creative. I was passionate about fashion, but UMKC didn't have much to offer in that department. I knew the moment I entered that store that it was me. It was so beautiful. The clothes were so different from any I had seen before and displayed in a way that was so interesting and creative. Six months later, Hemline Kansas City opened it's doors.

With my parents financial support, I was able to start my life with Hemline. I was 20 years old, no college degree, but invincible. I jumped right in to my new role in life. I started traveling all over the country, visiting top designers and looking at their collections for the upcoming season. Brigitte and I hit it off immediately, and she started teaching me everything I would need to know about becoming successful with Hemline. The buzz of a new boutique was starting to spread around the city, and people were so excited to see a locally owned store on the Plaza. Our customers wasted no time buying up our beautiful things. My professional life was just getting started, and I was loving every single second of it. 

Since then, Hemline has expanded to 10 stores throughout Louisiana, Texas, Tennessee, and Kansas City - and we aren't stopping there! We have been noted in numerous fashion magazines since opening, from Lucky and In Style to Elle and Seventeen. I can pick up a magazine in any given month and find something from Hemline inside. Now THAT is exciting!

Hemline is such a huge part of my life. I was so young when we opened. I wasn't afraid of anything, which I believe is what made me successful. I have made 2 of my very best friends through Hemline. Brigitte and I are one in the same. She has taught me so much not only about the business, but about life as well. We work very closely together, constantly trying to do bigger and better things. Jennifer Atagi is the general manager at Hemline KC. Without her, I'm not sure where I would be. She is the best person I have ever met. Her heart is so genuine. She is what we should all aspire to be. Hemline has helped me see the world, literally. I get to travel all over the place to buy for the store. It's absolutely the best part of my job. I get to be creative every day as I do window displays and merchandise the store. I get to take pictures and do photo editing for the website that I get to run. I wear so many hats, and I like it that way. I'm a creative director. A buyer. A sales associate. A customer service representative. A photographer. A marketing director. A financial advisor. A stylist. A seamstress. An interior decorator. A blogger. The list goes on and on. I am so lucky and so thankful to be able to have a successful career that I love. Not many people get to say that. When it comes down to it, I think Hemline might be the only thing in my life that doesn't make me want to press pause - I am so ready to see what's next!

www.shophemline.com

"I love the way you smell, even when you stink"

This was the last conversation I had with Neisan tonight. Every day, about 100 times, he has to stick his feet in my face, I have to sniff them, then I have to scream and tell him how badly they stink. He cracks up every single time. And after a long day with shoes on, his feet really do stink! And I love the way they stink...

Do you ever come across a scent that takes your mind back to the exact time you smelled it? They say that our ability to smell is the most powerful of all our senses. I couldn't agree more. I can step out of the car onto a freshly paved parking lot and suddenly I'm with my best friend Sarah at Worlds of Fun spending our summers riding the Timber Wolf. The smell of Old Spice makes me feel like I'm sitting on my grandpa Gene's lap in his old red leather chair, him asking me if I want to get married - to which I always replied "I can't marry you Grandpa! You're my Grandpa!" - he still asks me to this day. The smell of medical tape reminds me of being a little girl and watching the home health nurses change my dads dressing on his chest catheter from which he received his chemo therapy. Scents can take you back to so many memories, good and bad.

Smelling Neisan's feet on a daily basis might sound like an unpleasant thing. But it's quite the opposite. His stinky feet are part of him. Every morning I get to wake up to his breath on my face as he plants a huge open mouth kiss on me. He has awful morning breath - and I love it. I've used the same soap and lotion on him pretty much since he's been born, and every day when he gets his bath I think of the first time I bathed him. The smell of Burt's Bee's will always be close to my heart. So tonight's blog isn't philosophical or full of bottled up feelings - it's just about my son's stinky feet. Because I really do love the way he stinks. 

A Lot to Take in

So I think this blogging thing is for me. I really like having a place to write down my thoughts and feelings, and to have a place to really think about things. Tonight I have a lot on my mind...

As I've mentioned before, I have pretty hard core anxiety. I've never been very open about it, because quite frankly, I am embarrassed. I have always been a happy girl. A go with the flow, no worries, jump in with both feet kind of girl. Until I got pregnant. Actually, I think it probably started before then with everything I was going through hormonally and all the let downs, but I really noticed it while I was pregnant. I feel like I almost had a break down of some sort. I woke up one morning, and felt like I couldn't breathe. I was terrified, and I didn't even know what I was afraid of. I had an overwhelming fear of being alone all of the sudden. I immediately called my mom in a panic. She came right over and stayed with me all day. All I could do was cry, and I didn't understand any of it. It happened again the next day. And then the next. Day after day, I woke up feeling scared. I was sick - really sick, and I had to be attached to 2 IV's 24 hours a day, one of which I had to change the needle in every 6 hours. It was hell. The only place I could put it was my outer thighs, and they were bruised from top to bottom and hurt so badly I could hardly touch them, let alone stick a needle in them 4 times a day. That needle was attached to a tube and a pump, which I had to take everywhere with me. It was very stylish. Not only did I have to tote that around, but I had an IV in my arm to give me fluids because, despite my amazing bag that was supposed to be giving me anti-nausea medicine, I was still throwing up. All day. Every day. I felt so tied down, and like I had a life threatening illness. I had home nurses in and out of my house. Looking back, it's no wonder I felt the way I did.
My anxiety started getting worse and worse as the days went on. It got to the point where I would cry after we ate dinner, because I knew that meant my mom would have to go home and that we would have to go to bed and be in the dark and quite house. I looked forward to family gatherings, but hated them at the same time because I knew they would come to an end. I would literally get to the gathering, and in my head tell myself it's almost halfway over - what are you going to do now? Thinking about that feeling makes me ill. Geno didn't understand, and had no clue how to help me.  My mom came to stay with me every day for 6 months. We shopped online for everything the baby would need, we watched HGTV until our eyes bled, and learned how to cook anything in this world with bacon in it thanks to Paula Dean. I learned then that a mothers role in your life is so important. She took a leave of absence from her job to be with me. It makes me cry thinking about my mom - I love you so much Mama. My step dad brought me a card home every day for 6 months just to let me know he was thinking about me. My friend Danny came over every day after work to make me laugh. My friends Jenn and Jen called often just to chat. You would think with all of this support I would have absolutely nothing to be scared of. But I was.
After Neisan was born, I went from being anxious to having an anxiety overload. I went from not knowing what I was scared of to being scared of everything. I was scared I would do something wrong as a mother. I was scared I wouldn't hear him when he got up at night. I was scared to put him in the car because we might get in a wreck. The list goes on and on. Being sleep deprived didn't help.
Today, I still battle anxiety. Although I have come a very long way, there are days when I still feel like that sick preggo woman who cried her days away. I'm still afraid of so many things - putting Neisan in the car. Leaving him every day to go to work. Making my husband put up with my anxiety. I'm so afraid that something is going to happen to me. It's an overwhelming fear that I have. What if something does happen to me? Neisan needs me. What if something happens to Neisan? I need him! There are days when I am consumed by these fears... But then there are days when I'm feeling good, and I think about my life. I am losing so much of my life by being consumed with fear. Life is flying by me, and I'm too afraid most days to jump in. Neisan deserves more than that. My husband deserves more than that. I deserve more than that. So I'm jumping in. I'll still worry, I'll still cry sometimes, but I have to jump in. Life is too short. And pressing pause isn't always an option.

One Year Ago

November 12, 2009 at 5:54 p.m., my life was forever changed. Neisan Kristopher Kennedy was welcomed into this world by a waiting room full of people who already loved him. I'll never forget that day as long as I live...
I had been in labor for almost 16 hours, and after all of that, they took him via emergency c-section. Geno and I were joking with the nurses and doctor as they were doing the surgery, saying that if he came out black, we knew Dr. Stewart (our fertility doctor) messed up. Everyone laughed, and as they pulled him out, my doctor said "oh my- he has a big head! And RED HAIR!" Where did the red hair come from?! Everyone was asking. If he wasn't a perfect clone of Geno, I might think Dr. Stewart did mess up. I waited a second, and then I heard the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I had waited so long to hear his cry. I had dreamt about what it would sound like, and how I would feel when I heard it. In that exact moment, the world stopped. That was my son I heard. My flesh and blood, my hard work, the amazing product of modern medicine - a miracle from God. That's when I realized that everyone was right. You never know the meaning of love until you have a child. That feeling I've talked about before in my heart? That's the first time I felt it. I cried and laughed, kissed Geno and watched as they took care of my new baby.
I only got to see Neisan for a few seconds before they had to whisk him away. He was having breathing problems, and they had to get him on oxygen. My mom says she watched him through the nursery windows as the nurses worked on him, but told herself it couldn't be my baby. My baby wasn't going to have problems already. Geno stayed with me until I was in recovery, then went to be with Neisan. After they got his breathing under control and a chest x-ray, they brought him to me. While I was pregnant, I thought about what it would be like to meet him for the first time. I wondered what I would say, what I would feel. They placed him in my arms, all wrapped up like a burrito, his eyes wide open. All I could do was cry. Through my tears, I said "I've waited so long for you". He looked at me with his big eyes, and we immediately were one. I stared at him for the next few hours. I wished so badly that my dad could have been there to meet him. As I watched him, everything else faded away. I forgot about the years of needles and doctors. I forgot about the 6 months of bed rest and IV I had attached to me 24 hours a day. It didn't matter anymore. He was worth everything.
We left the hospital on November 16. It was sleeting outside, and I was a nervous wreck to put him in the car. Geno drove so slowly, and we finally made it home. Hank and Layla greeted him with excitement. Geno and looked at each other with utter fear. What in the hell are we supposed to do with him now?! Those books I read about being a mom? They don't prepare you. Advice from other moms? It only goes so far. It was just us now. Me, Geno and Neisan. That night when he woke the first time, as I fed him I looked out the window. It was the first snow of the season. The house was so quiet. I was holding my newborn baby and watching the snow fall from the sky. That moment was so precious. Neisan is called a snowflake baby because he was a frozen embryo - how fitting that we would watch the snow fall together for the first time that night.
Today Neisan turned a year old. I can't believe how fast this year has gone, and I would be lying if I said it was easy. It has been beyond challenging. Sleepless nights, a baby who was sick for months, trying to keep a healthy relationship with my husband - it's been hard. But I wouldn't give it up for anything. Neisan has brought so much joy to our lives, and we are so blessed to have him. I think a lot about the failed attempts at pregnancy. I was so heart broken after each negative test, let down month after month. I watched everyone around me get pregnant by making eye contact with the opposite sex. I think I've figured all of that out. Neisan was supposed to be mine. He was put on this earth for a reason. While the failed attempts were all so difficult, when I look at him it all somehow makes sense.

"Before you were conceived, I wanted you.
Before you were born, I loved you.
Before you were here an hour, I'd die for you.
This is the miracle of love."
-Maureen Hawkins

I didn't know it when the road was rough and things weren't going my way, but you were the one I was missing. I wanted you, loved you, would die for YOU. God knew what he was doing all along...

Do You Ever Wish You Could?

Press pause I mean? I do. Every day.

I wanted to start this blog for myself more than anything, as a way for me to write down what I'm thinking and feeling. With a baby around, I don't get much time to think about myself or how I'm doing. I want a place where I can be open and honest, and I want people to understand me. Will anyone read my blog? I don't know. Either way, I hope it's good therapy.

A little about me: My name is Annie. I just celebrated my 27th birthday. I own my own business, and I love what I do. My shop is called Hemline - www.shophemline.om - check it out :) I love music, singing, and I love to play the piano and guitar. I love my family. I love my weenie dogs. I love a lot of things I guess. But more than anything? My son. I love my son.

I've been married to my wonderful husband for 5 years (seems like longer, huh babe?) and we have the most perfect little boy in the entire world. This is where the title of my blog comes in - Neisan makes me want to press pause at least once every single day. Geno and I struggled for 3 years to get pregnant. We went through countless procedures. I gave myself shots in the stomach every day for a year. Disappointment after disappointment, we held on to each other. Finally in March of 2009, we had our very last frozen embryo thawed and transferred. It was Neisan.

Neisan (pronounced Nee-Sin) is Hebrew for Miracle, because that's exactly what he is. And he's about to turn a year old. Over the past year, I have wanted to press pause so many times. The first time I saw him, I felt like I had waited so long, and I didn't want the moment to end. Press pause. The first time he smiled at me - press pause. The first time I watched him fall asleep on Geno's chest - press pause. Listening him coo, the first time his coo turned into "Mama", the first time he crawled - pause, pause, PAUSE! He makes my life so happy. It sounds so cliche, and I only heard it 1001 times while I was pregnant, but you honest to God don't know what love is until you have a child. It's just so different than the love you feel for other people. Thinking about him seriously makes my heart feel funny. Like literally I feel like something is happening under my rib cage. He is the happiest baby, and he's been through so much already. We're dealing with severe reflux and ulcers in his esophagus because his doctors couldn't diagnose him, along with a milk and soy protein intolerance. It makes it so hard to feed him because almost everything we eat has milk in it, and if there isn't milk, there is usually soy. He's a little guy, but still has some amazing rolls on his thighs that I can not get enough of! He can make you smile on your worst of days. He's so silly, and he is constantly trying to make people laugh. He is THE most cuddly baby I have ever met, and he might possibly be a Mama's boy. And I love that.

So back to the purpose of this blog - how am I feeling? A little crazy, a lot anxious, a little guilty, and a lot happy. Crazy because I don't have time to think about 1 thing for more than a few seconds before the next issue arrises. I run a business and a family, it gets a little rough at times. A lot anxious because I just do. Anxiety kicked in full force while I was pregnant and has decided to stick around. Hopefully sorting out my thoughts here will help with that. A little guilty because I have to leave my son every day to go to work. He has an amazing nanny who he gets to stay home with every day, at his own house, with his own toys, and he loves her to pieces. But I wish I could be the one to stay with him. I love my job, but I love my baby more. I need to find a good balance between the two. A lot happy because I have a lot to be happy about. I just need to realize it more often and put it into words. I have an amazing opportunity with Hemline right now, and I am trying my hardest to tell my anxiety to let me go so I can take this plunge. I have a husband who has stood by me through everything in my adult life, and he still likes me. And that's a big deal. I have a family who has been steadfast through my trials with infertility and a rough pregnancy, and friends who have shown their true colors when I needed them to the most. And Neisan. He is enough to get me through the rest of my life. So here's to letting my anxieties go, and pressing pause on the happy things. The problem with that? Eventually you have to push play again...