Day From Hell

That's what yesterday was. 

It started out just fine, other than not getting any sleep because I was so nervous for the egg retrieval. Other than that though, Geno and I were up and ready and on our way to the hospital right on time. After being in the car for, oh, 5 seconds, Geno's phone rang. It was United Heating and Cooling. They were scheduled to install new units at the new house that we closed on Monday, but there was a small problem... the man who owned the house was inside and not letting anyone in. 

The house we bought was a foreclosure, and the man who lived there was a builder. He built it as his families "forever home", but couldn't pay for it. There is also a strip of land that runs along the opposite side of our driveway that had a separate title from the sale of the house, which wasn't brought to the closing, so we obviously didn't sign it. We didn't even see it because it wasn't there or even talked about. So long story short, that title belonged to a different title company, and with the help of that title company, the owner of the house committed mortgage fraud. Which meant the house was not closed on. Which meant that it was not ours.

That's what I got to deal with on the way to the hospital, and before I went in for surgery, as far as I knew, we were no longer moving. Not something I wanted or needed to deal with at such a crazy time. After a lot of screaming and yelling from the crazy man in our house, everything got taken care of and we are again the proud owners of a new home. And he is the proud participant in a lawsuit more than likely. Idiot.

Now that we are done with that, I can focus on the most important thing happening in my life right now. The retrieval went well, but when I woke up from anesthesia I was in a LOT of pain, and only on my right side. Dr. Stewart said that my right ovary is stuck to my uterus from endometriosis, and from scar tissue that has built up from all the surgeries I've had. That's why I was in so much pain, and as Dr. Stewart described it to Geno, it would "be like you getting your balls stapled to your leg". I love that man. 

So they admitted me for a few hours so that he could make sure my pain was under control, which thank God for IV Morphine, I was feeling better pretty quickly. Speaking of the IV, the nurse who tried to start it 3 times blew 3 veins. She went for it a 4th time and another nurse finally stepped in thankfully! My hand and arm have nice big bruises on them today.

Dr. Stewart was able to retrieve 6 eggs, only 1 on the right side and 5 on the left. They fertilized them via ICSI yesterday afternoon, then told me they would call me sometime today with the fertilization report. I got that call around 10:30, and it was not great. Only 3 fertilized. Last time I had 6 fertilize, and from those 6 I had 1 child. The number 3 is a heavy number. I go in Friday at 7:30 for the embryo transfer, and have to decide, based on how they look, how many I will put back. I want to put 2 back, but my regular ob/gyn is pushing for 1 since I had such a terrible pregnancy with Neisan. She (Dr. Martin) and Dr. Stewart are really good friends, and Dr. Stewart said that "she will have my nuts in a vice if I get you pregnant with twins". While I know that twins would not only be difficult to carry, but difficult to have period, I just don't know if I could live with myself if I transferred 1 and it didn't work. The freeze and thaw process is not fool proof, so the other 2 might not make it through it. We had 4 frozen after our fresh cycle and only 1, Neisan, made it through the process. Fresh embryos have a higher rate of working, period. This will be a 3 day transfer. They do 3 and 5 day transfers, based on the embryo quality, with a higher success rate from 5 days. If we were able to do a 5 day, I would absolutely consider a single embryo transfer. To top it all off, Dr. Stewart is not wanting to let me do a fresh cycle again. My embryos are in awful shape, and he said he was surprised to even get 6 eggs from them. So this is it. If this doesn't work, I will not have the chance to do it again. I am not done having a family. I'm 27 years old and my body is failing me. I don't understand it, and it's not fair. Please keep praying and sending the positive vibes and thoughts this way, and I will keep updating as we go along. 

Update!

Whatever prayers or thoughts you sent my way worked!

I had another monitoring appointment this morning and I had 9 FOLLICLES!! Woot! 

My doctor called me this afternoon and wants me to continue with the shots for tonight, then she wants to see me again in the morning for another ultrasound and more blood work. Depending on what those two things show will determine the day of egg retrieval. Let me tell you again how much I love my doctors office. This process is both mentally and physically exhausting, and to know that you have these people on your side is the best feeling you could have while going through all of it. It feels so good to go in on a Saturday morning at 7:45 a.m., see your actual doctor, then get a call from your actual doctor later in the afternoon to tell you exactly what's happening. It just makes you feel good! Dr. Milroy came into the practice after I had already gone through my fresh and frozen cycles, so I didn't get to meet her until my surgery last February. I didn't think I would ever find a doctor that I liked as much as Dr. Stewart, the man responsible for Neisan, but Dr. Milroy is an amazing doctor and woman. She makes me feel like all of this is going to work. I know that's the point of it, but when you're going through it it's easy to be a pessimist. If it doesn't work (please God let it work), I know I have a doctor on my side, mentally just as much as physically. They have become friends for life. If anyone reading this is struggling, I more than recommend Reproductive Medicine and Infertility - I don't know if I'd be able to do all this with anyone else! 

Anyways, enough doctor love - I AM SO EXCITED! 9 isn't an outstanding number, but it's not 4 either, so I'll take it. Plus I have at least one more day to stim. Looking forward to my appointment in the early morning to see what's going to happen this week. I will possibly have my egg retrieval on Wednesday! Aghh!!

I'll update again tomorrow after I get some more news. This is happening! 

Oh and to top it off? We close on our house Monday! Life is beyond nuts right now. I don't know how we could have timed it better than to have surgery and embryo transfer on moving week. And don't even get me started on things going on at work... That's a whole other post. Thanks again for the prayers - now keep them coming that these embryos will want to stick!

News.

Not good news, but not horrible news either. Just news.

I went in today for my first monitoring appointment since I started the stimulation part of the cycle. I had blood drawn to make sure my hormone levels are where they should be and to look at how many follicles I have growing. That's where the news comes in... I only have a few growing :( 

Last cycle I had around 10-12 good size follicles at this point, so this was a HUGE disappointment for me. And I say for me because my doctor doesn't seem to be too distraught over it. Although last cycle I had more eggs growing, they weren't all viable and able to be fertilized. At retrieval they were able to get 15 eggs, and through ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection) only 6 of those follicles were made into embryos. From those 6, 2 were transferred and 4 were thawed. The first two were not successful, and when it came time for our frozen embryo transfer only 1 made it through the thaw process. That strong little guy was Neisan. My point in all of this is that if last time I had 15 eggs retrieved and only 6 were viable, then my 4 or 5 are looking pretty poor right about now. 

Now my doctor wasn't too upset over it, and I am putting all of my trust in that office and the people there. This new shot that they added to my protocol is supposed to produce the best quality eggs, along with the other two meds from my first cycle. Together they produce strong eggs, which make strong embryos, which have a much much higher chance of "sticking". That's where the not horrible news comes in. If I only end up with 7 or 8 eggs, but those eggs are all stronger than the eggs from my first cycle, then I have surpassed the level I was at 3 years ago with my 15 eggs. 

Did I blow your mind with all of that yet? I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it all, and when I try to write it out, it seems confusing... At this point though, I have to make myself believe that it will all work out. I don't want to hear it from anyone that "it will work out like it's supposed to", because that just pisses me off. I am SUPPOSED to have another child. It's not SUPPOSED to happen that I will have an unsuccessful cycle and these embryos will die. I don't want to hear that. I do, however, want to say that this is a bump in the road. I am supposed to be a mother. I am not "meant" to go through life struggling to make this dream a reality. Today was disappointing. But I go back in on Saturday for more blood work and another ultrasound, then every day after until the egg retrieval. So until then, say a prayer, a positive vibe, a happy thought - whatever it is you do. I'm just ready for this to all be over with... I'm emotionally drained. I'm physically drained. My ass hurts.

This Saturday is my next appointment, so until then I am just staying the course. 3 more shots down tonight, now I'm just saying an extra prayer with each one that they make those follicles GROW!!

I'll Take it in the Butt...

This new shot, that is. For any of you that know me really well, you know how I feel about the title. Sickos.

I'm into my second full week of shots, and they have been surprisingly hard this time. Last cycle I didn't even think about the shots. After the first one was done it just became something I had to do. This time has been so much harder for some reason physically. After talking about it to a friend who has done a few IVF cycles herself, we came to the conclusion that there is some sort of scar tissue from all the meds, so the needles just hurt more. Not sure if it's true, but it sure seems that way! That's where the title of the blog comes in - my stomach just couldn't handle any more pokes! I emailed my nurse to ask if "Geno could do it in my butt" - I could have said it much more gracefully, but again, if you know me well, I get much more of a kick out of being not-so-graceful. Anyways, she said I could give the shot anywhere I can "pinch an inch". So on to my butt cheeks we went! Let me tell you how much better it's been since I made the switch to the butt. (Oh I love this reference too much). Really though, the shots are a breeze! A little sting, then nothing! Not even a red spot!

Until I started the Repronex last night. Oh. My. GAH. It sucks. First of all, it comes in two little vials that you have to mix yourself. It involves taking a big daddy needle, sucking out 1 ml of sodium chloride, putting that into the vial full of powder, swirling (not shaking) it around, drawing it all out with the huge needle, twisting off the huge needle and replacing it with a much smaller (yes please) needle. Phew! Last night I was so un-suspecting. I had Geno give me the Lupron and Follistim, no big deal, and was bent over, ready for the third one. It instantly hurt - and it hurt badly - then stung all the way down the back of my leg. Like stung bad enough that I was jumping up and down with tears in my eyes and jogging in place because I didn't know how else to make it stop. Then my skin broke out in a big red rash that ran down the back of my leg and hurt all night. You can imagine how excited I was to do another one tonight... but, to my surprise, it wasn't so awful! First of all, last night I drew up all of the Sodium Chloride from the first vial - I was only supposed to draw up 1 of the 2 mls - so that's why it burned like Hell. Literally. Then, I thought I should get all of the air bubbles out, so I pushed the plunger up just enough that a drip of medicine would come out the top of the needle. BIG mistake. When that needle broke the skin and had liquid fire on it, I about fell on the floor. So tonight I just made sure that there were no bubbles from the beginning so I could surpass that initial puncture burn. Both of these things together made a HUGE difference! Little burning, no red rash, and no jogging in place while crying and yelling obscenities. Which Neisan then repeats. 

So on to another week! This week I continue with the 3 shots. I go in on Thursday morning for an ultrasound and blood work to see how many follicles are growing. Then I continue on with the three shots while being monitored daily via ultrasound and blood work until they say it's go time! Right now we are looking at a September 30th retrieval, then 3 to 5 days later will be the transfer day, depending on how good the embryos look. Neisan was a 3 day, and those are supposedly not as strong... I'm not convinced   :)

In about two weeks I will be doing this thang - it's crazy. First of all because I never thought I would be in this place, even with Neisan. Then because I was told I couldn't do it again period. Geno has been beyond great with everything. Last time I honestly didn't need anything. I took it all in stride, nothing was too painful, I was able to do my own shots. This time though, I have leaned on him so much. And he has definitely been a rock! He has stood there with my while I cried with a needle in my hand, taken over when I needed him to, and has been so patient with me feeling like crap. In all honesty, even though looking at the medications he has to take may not look like much... but how would you like to be shown to a room by a nurse and told to leave your specimen on the counter? Oh, and the magazines are in the bottom drawer. I can't say I'd be able to turn myself on while everyone on the outside knew what I was doing. But like he says, he's "a professional". He's already given his back-up specimen in case he can't perform on the day of the egg retrieval, so we're covered! I love to give him crap about all of this, but I appreciate it so much. We are both willing to put ourselves in uncomfortable positions to have a family. I love you Geno.

On a Neisan note, he's had a rough week. Puked all night one night, was up another two with a fever and coughing and a runny nose, so we stayed home all day today. To ease the boredom we played with pay dough - this was the first time he hasn't eaten it - but he might have asked 100 times. Only a small bit ended up in his mouth this time though, and that's a feat. I, on the other hand, cannot help myself when there is playdough, or clay, or any other moldable substance... I have to make something inappropriate. I did, and Neisan clapped. A good time was had by all. Can't wait to have a few more little ones to make appendages out of playdough with! 

A Kiss Makes Everything Better

Just ask Neisan, and he will tell you - a kiss from Mom can cure anything. And I do mean anything! If he falls, he asks me to "tiss" whatever is hurting. If he's sad, he tells me he's sad and asks for a "tiss" on his forehead. I've kissed his knees, elbows, forehead, fingers, toes - I've healed just about every ailment on almost every body part on the kid with my magical tiss. After he gets this magical tiss, he's off and running, being a wild little boy again. I always think to myself how nice it would be to have someone be able to kiss away my pain. 

Tonight I gave myself my first shot for this IVF cycle. It was so strange going through those motions again - getting out the alcohol wipes, getting the needle ready, worrying if I'm giving myself the right dosage... It was surreal. The first shot is always the worst, and tonight that rang so true! I psyched myself out big time! Throughout my first IVF cycle, I didn't even think about the shots. They had to be done, so I did them, no questions or second thoughts about them. They were second nature. I know these next shots will get easier and easier, but the first one really sucked. I was so afraid to just do it! Geno would count, I'd tell him to stop, then I'd tell him to count again only to tell him to stop again... it was a 2 minute process of me pinching my skin up on my stomach while working up the nerve to stick the damn needle in. First shot is down though, and I know tomorrow will be easier! 

 While I was wigging out about the shot and Geno was cheering me on, Neisan was sitting by us eating dinner. I didn't know he was paying any attention, nor did I think twice about him being there. I was so caught up in it all that I just forgot I guess. After I was done and Geno clapped for me (love that guy) I noticed Neisan's little face was so worried. He climbed down off his little "helper" stand and grabbed me around my whole lower body and hugged me over and over. He wanted to see my "ouch", so I showed him. He gave me a kiss and told me he'd make it all better. And you know what? It did. 

The first time I did an IVF cycle, I was childless obviously. I would give myself shots and worry so much about the outcome, and worry about what the process would actually feel like. I had Geno and my family behind me of course, but they didn't understand on the level I did. This time around I have a son. And this time around I had someone who understands on a level that even I don't understand. Someone who is genuinely and deeply worried about me, and someone who is willing to give me a magical kiss to take my pain away. It's such an crazy feeling to have your child help you feel better while doing the exact same thing you did to get that child. This is hard to write and put into words, but I just never thought I'd be at this place. And in about 10 months, I could very possibly have another baby - or two more babies for that matter. Another baby to "tiss" away my pain when I need it. To Neisan, kissing his "ouches" honestly makes him feel better. To him, they are the only thing that can take the pain away. I always giggled when he asked me for a kiss, because I knew - or thought - that it was just a silly little ritual that held no real healing properties. But you know what? They do. A kiss from him is the only way he knows to take away my pain. He means it with all of his heart. That's what makes them magical...