September It Is...

Or is it? IVF is taking over our lives again, and we haven't even started our next cycle.

I had surgery again this past February in thought that I would do a June cycle. After a lot of talking, and a lot of time to get myself worked up and scared, Geno and I decided to put it off. I wanted to have the Summer with Neisan. I wanted to feel good and be able to have one last hurrah if you will. Our thoughts turned to September. Then we all of the sudden stumbled upon this new house venture, and I decided it was a great time to start planning a second Hemline location. Our thoughts about a September cycle suddenly seemed like a bad idea. After more talking and more thinking and more working myself up, we decided January seemed like the best idea. There is just one major problem with this idea - the effects of the surgery I had in February to prepare my body for the June IVF cycle are quickly fading. When you have endometriosis, each month makes your body less able to become pregnant. I do not want to have to do a third surgery... 

Along with the ticking time bomb situation, Geno and I have a million other reasons why we don't want to wait to do this. First of all, we don't know if this cycle will be successful. Our first one wasn't, and it was devastating. Plus we had to wait 5 months after our loss to try another. If it doesn't work, we are looking at a second cycle in February. If we wait until January, we are looking at this time next year to still be trying. We want Neisan and his sibling(s) to be somewhat close in age, and the longer we put it off, the further apart they will be. Then there is this feeling of limbo I have while I'm in the decision making process. I feel like I'm not working toward anything, which is frustrating,  but yet I feel like I am in a safe place of not wondering and worrying if I'm pregnant. It's a comfortable and horrifying place to be in all at once. We are delaying the inevitable.

Life is crazy. It twists and turns, most of the time in the dark. You can't see what's coming, and you don't know when they ride is going to stop. Or go again for that matter. I should know more than anyone at this point that things like this can't be planned for. If things had worked out like I had planned, I'd have a 4 year old right now. I wouldn't have my most perfect son that I am so blissfully happy with today. There is never a "right" time for anything in life, big or small. In my experience, the best things come when you least expect them. Even when you think things are bad, they have a way of working themselves out. A way of teaching you, a way of urging you to embrace everything. No matter when Geno and I decide to do this, there will be a "reason" as to why it's not a good time. There will always be something going on, life will have to be lived all year long. September is just September. And it could possibly be the month my next child is conceived.

I read an article last night written by a woman who had her babies via egg donor and surrogate. She wrote so well, and so much of her article touched home with me. I cried about 18290 times. One part of many that got me at the core - "Infertility feels like a death, but because it's not the death of a person but the death of a hope - a fantasy about the children our dead embryos might have become - that grief vanishes when you first hear the beating of a real heart".

The sound of Neisan's heartbeat was the most magical thing I have ever heard. Followed by his cry. Later his laugh. These next few months are going to be hard and scary, but those sounds are what make life better. They are worth September.

I'm Sucking At This Lately...

Okay - it's been WAY too long. My life has been pretty crazy lately, and I just haven't really been able to sort out any kind of thoughts. Period. When I was thinking today of something to blog about, I realized that so many things happen every day that I can and sometimes need to talk about, and that having to think of something to blog about isn't really the point. It's the things that strike you when you aren't looking for it that usually give you the most feeling. 

So what's been happening... Where to start... 

First of all, Geno and I found an amazing house, and it came about when we weren't even looking. A long time ago Geno met a real estate agent during an open house while out on a motorcycle ride. She deals in high end homes, and always has foreclosures to show. Over the past year she has continued to send Geno emails about new properties out there. Usually he just looks at them online and that's it. This time, she sent him a property on 8 acres that was in foreclosure. A short sale to be exact. And short sales, I'm learning, aren't always short. This house is beyond beautiful. Well it is if you can look past the rooster wallpapered kitchen and knick knacks that adorn every. single. space. But the bones are amazing, the layout is absolutely perfect, and it's on 8 rolling acres, complete with a fully stocked pond and paddle boat. Oh and a barn with a loft as big as the house that Geno and I want to finish out into a huge party space. Kitchen, bar - everything a party spot needs. Ugh I'm already moving in in my head, and we don't even know if it's ours yet! I'm so excited to get in there and put my touch on everything. I have so many ideas, and although it's going to be a process to get it the way I want, I'm looking forward to it so much. Most of this blog will probably turn in to some kind of DIY design blog in the process! And if we do get it, we'll snag it for less than half of what it appraised for! So there's that...

Next on the brain - I'm opening a second Hemline location! SO exciting/scary/draining/exciting. We are set to open November 15 at Park Place in Leawood. We have the best spot in the development, with windows on 3 sides. My brain is on overload with window display ideas!! We will open just in time for the Holidays! Which is great. Except for the fact the the space doesn't even have walls. Yep, it's completely unfinished, and they aren't even able to start building until the city approves our store front. Which, by the way, we completed in 6 days between 8 in person meetings with the architect and about a million emails and phone calls. Cross your fingers that they city will like it! Once they give us the thumbs up we will start the build out. I have so many elements I want to make sure to have in this store that I wasn't able to do at our Plaza location. I'm so excited to see things start to happen!

Then there's the whole when are we going to do another cycle of IVF thing. This one's really tough, and it's really getting to me. On one hand, I want to do another cycle soon for a few reasons. #1. What if it doesn't work? If we do it sooner rather than later, I have more time to try again with either a frozen cycle (if we're lucky enough to have enough snowflakes left) or another fresh cycle in the Spring. #2. I want my babes to be close in age. The longer we wait, the further apart they are getting. #3. I am ready to get it over with. The anticipation of it all is horrible. I am worried about the entire process, and just want to be done with it! Then there are a few reason for wanting to wait. Well there's really just one actually - there is SO much going on this Fall! We could very possibly be moving in to a new house in a few months. I want to be as relaxed as I can possibly be while going through IVF. Moving doesn't sound relaxing at all. Add on all the projects I have planned for the house and you've got a woman who won't stop! Then you add the new store to the mix, and it all just seems like too much at once. Even writing that out makes me feel anxious... So say some prayers for me if it's your thing, that I will be able to make a sound decision about it all. When I look at the bigger picture, 4 months isn't that long to wait. Right?

Those are the main things happening in our lives right now. Of course there are always other smaller things going on - my sister in laws baby shower that I'm hosting this weekend, Geno and I's 6 year anniversary next month, 3 markets to attend to buy stuff for the new store, a trip to the LA Garment District to look at factories for a new label, the planning of our next major Hemline event, designing and manufacturing our own shoe label, designing a Hemline scent with soy candles and essential oils, etc etc etc... So really none of those are small. My life is always moving, ever evolving and definitely never dull. I know that everything will work out in the end, I just have to trust myself. Which isn't always easy. It's never easy really. 

Oh and of course I have to end with something amazing about Neisan, or this post would be totally out of place here. The little man is growing so much, and so fast! He is talking non stop. The terrible twos are in full swing (he's been early on everything else, why not this too?) He's just perfect though. When I'm stressed about work or life or anything in between, he makes it better. We got a new pet this week. A betta fish named "Toot". When Neisan saw him, he said "AAAWWWWW!! TOOOOOOT!!" AKA- "Awww! Cute!" So it stuck. It's a great name considering it could have very well ended up being his other favorite word - have you ever known a fish named "shit'? Me either.