It's been a while since I've blogged. It's not for lack of content, but more because I have had a hard time sitting down and sorting my thoughts for some reason. This is usually the place I can do that, but lately no place has been right.
A lot has been going on - Neisan and I spent three weeks on the beach in Siesta Key, Florida. It was such an amazing trip, and Neisan got really used to being able to hop in his wagon and walk to the grocery store or to the coffee shop or to breakfast. And not going to lie, so did I. Life is so much simpler there. And plus the ocean... My parents have a condo on the sixth floor of a building right on the beach. The views are gorgeous, and it's right in the thick of everything. Live music, good food, everything I love. Needless to say, it was hard to come home. But Neisan is happy to be here, and we are happy to be back with Geno.
Anyways, back to the title of this post. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. As you know, Geno and I are "infertile". And it sucks. After a lot of talking and thinking and praying, we have decided to wait until September to go through another IVF cycle. I want to have a summer with Neisan where I'm not sick. Not giving myself shots. Not a hormonal mess from the crap I'm injecting myself with. So basically in the next few months there will be too much to write here about, and you all might get sick of it. But tonight I wanted to talk about infertility a little bit, mainly about what to say and what not to say to an infertile woman. I know I've been told some pretty annoying things through my journey, and while I know most of the time they were coming from a good place, it didn't make them any less annoying - or painful for that matter. I am pretty sure I can speak for most women going through fertility treatments. So read on, and remember these things the next time you interact with someone suffering with infertility. Because with the rates growing like they are, you probably will know more than one person in your lifetime with the disease.
#1.
"Just relax! When you stop trying, that's when it will happen."
Infertility is a disease. Diseases need treatment. Most people who are diagnosed as infertile physically can not conceive a child. So relaxing will not do a damn thing. And we will never stop "trying" to make our dreams a reality. Fertility only gets worse with age, so yeah. On top of the fact that there is no baby to show after so many years, so the chances of it happening get lower every year.
#2.
"My so-and-so tried for 7 years to get pregnant, and her doctors told her it would never happen. Now she has 4 kids!"
Thanks for letting me know about yet another person in this world that was able to do the one thing that I want to be able to do more than anything. Those things happen, I know. And I know that this statement is only trying to give hope. But I don't need to be reminded, yet again, that it's not happening to me.
#3.
"You should try charting your cycles. Taking your temp every morning. Standing on your head after sex. Eating Pineapple. Jumping up and down on your left foot while holding a spoon on your nose. Or any other random old wives tale treatment. It worked for my friend the first time."
Good for her. When you are seeking medical help for any condition, you are probably at the point that you have tried everything else. And I do mean everything. Oh, and thanks for reminding me, AGAIN, that someone else was able to get knocked up.
#4.
"It just wasn't the right time."
So what exactly is the "right" time. Was the right time for the girl who had the one night stand? Probably not, but she still got a baby. Was it the "right" time for the lady on welfare who already had five kids to feed? I'm guessing no. This statement is so hurtful. So it wasn't my time experience unconditional love? The right time for me to bring a child in to this world that I can support physically, financially, emotionally? It wasn't the right time for me to do the one thing in this world that means the most to me? When is it MY time? This goes right along with the old favorite "It just wasn't meant to be". Thanks for disregarding the baby that I just lost because you think it's bad timing.
#5.
"You can always adopt!"
Oh this ones a doozie. I can?? I NEVER thought about that! Of course adoption is always an option, and a terrific one at that. But it doesn't satisfy the urge and longing for a biological child. It doesn't take care of the sadness that women feel when their bodies won't do what they are made to do. It doesn't pacify the fact that if you choose adoption, you will never be able to feel a baby moving inside of your body, or give birth to a tiny version of you and your significant other. Adoption is something so very personal for everyone, and it's a conclusion couples have to come to on their own, in their own time.
#6.
"My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!"
Good for you.
#7.
"You must be having lots of fun trying!"
Yeah, it's great having so much pressure on both of us every single month. It's the best when you both know you aren't having sex because you want to, but because the chart says it's your best day, then having to go to the doctors office and be poked and prodded and asked a million questions about your sex life. It's a BLAST.
#8.
(From your pregnant friend) "You should feel lucky you don't have morning sickness. I feel like crap!"
Infertile women would give ANYTHING to feel a TWINGE of morning sickness! At this point, we've gone through procedures that involved putting a catheter full of sperm up your vag to make sure it all gets in there. We've given ourselves shots countless times in our stomachs. We've had our feet in stirrups more than most horse back riders. All in hopes that in a few weeks we will barf. Stop complaining!
#9.
"Things could be worse."
For me, right now, this IS the worst. My feelings are valid.
#10.
(In reference to a miscarriage)"Well at least you know you can get pregnant!"
While I never suffered through a miscarriage, I know too many people that have. And it's a HORRIBLE physical and emotional pain. Thank you for using the loss of my child as a test run to see if it can happen.
So what CAN you say? These are some of the things that my very close friend, Jenny said to me throughout my journey:
"I'm here for you."
"I'm thinking of you."
"I'm praying for you."
She cried with me, laughed with me when it was needed, and listened. That's all I needed.
So this was a crazy long post, but I hope that it helps someone out there. Infertility is an awful thing to go through. It's a roller coaster. An expensive roller coaster. And expensive roller coaster with 50/50 odds. To anyone reading this who is dealing with this disease, I am here to listen.
To learn more about infertility and treatment options, visit
