Loving Two

Wow - so it's been like 5 months since I last blogged. My life has been crazy, and a lot has changed during these past few months. My pregnancy is still going well, I can't complain! I've been to labor and delivery a few times for contractions, but am on muscle relaxers now and they help keep things calm. Really calm. Like can't move my arms calm. Thankfully I only have to take them before bed now! 

Baby Tilly is doing so well! I had an ultrasound on Monday to check her growth - she is perfect! She's itty bitty except for her head. Thanks, Geno. Neisan had that same big head which resulted in an emergency c section. We are going to go ahead and schedule the c section of this little one now so I don't have to be rushed into surgery after laboring for 16 hours.

Neisan is doing so well too! He is growing so much and talking up a storm. It's so strange to have a full on conversation with a tiny person. He comes up with things that amaze me. The latest? He was playing with a camera he got for his birthday (thanks Tim and Jodi!) and he held it up and said "Mama! Say Pussy!" Wait. WHAT?! Now I am the first to admit that my mouth is not the cleanest. But I happen to HATE the "P" word, so I know he didn't hear it from me. I asked him to repeat it to make sure I didn't mistake cheese for the other word, and sure enough, "Say Pussy!". After almost internally combusting from holding in the laughter that had built up inside, I asked him where he heard that word. His favorite song is "Pussycat, Pussycat I Love You". He was just "saying my favorite song Mama". 

He has been potty trained for a good few months now, and he has done so well with it. I couldn't have had an easier time with it actually! He was good and ready. And he looks ridiculously cute in his boxer briefs and Batman tighty whities. Which, by the way, is his new favorite thing to wear. Underwear and boots. Nothing else.

That little boy is my entire world. He is so freaking amazing! I ask myself every day how in the hell am I going to have this much love for someone else? Is it possible? The closer my due date gets (9 weeks!!) the harder it's starting to hit me that Neisan will have to share my love. It's heart breaking. I'm so afraid he won't understand. As I was sitting in my hormonal state watching him sleep and bawling like a baby at this prospect, I remembered a poem I came across before I was even pregnant with Matilda. I googled it and found it again. It sums up my feelings 100%. Warning: It's a tear jerker!

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
Author Unknown