Decisions, Decisions...

Decisions I thought I would never have... and now I don't know what to do with them.

As soon as Neisan turned a year old, I started missing that baby stage. It seemed like the wait to get pregnant and the pregnancy itself was painfully long, but his little life is flying by! While I'm not ready for another baby right at this moment, I have been thinking about the subject a lot lately.

Before our frozen embryo transfer that ended with Neisan, my fertility doctor told me that it would be my last chance at a biological child. My body didn't handle the IVF process very well, and he was afraid to put it under so much stress again. My ovaries were in bad shape, and to go through the process again would be too much for them to handle. For the few weeks after I had this conversation with him, I felt defeated. I just knew the frozen embryo wouldn't stick and that I would be done. I spent those few weeks worrying and crying over something I had no control over. I was angry. I watched people all around me get pregnant when they weren't trying. I had to listen to the comments from them - "just stop trying so hard and it will happen" - or "you can always adopt!". Those things just made me more angry. Those things are so easy to say when you haven't experienced infertility. I mean the one thing that a woman is built to do, I couldn't. I was so used to working towards things I wanted, and I always achieved that. This was something that I had no control over. I felt helpless. Sad. Angry.

Fast-forward to yesterday. I decided to make an appointment with my fertility doctor. I wanted to talk with him just to see what my options were. If he told me there was no way I could do IVF again, I would have been upset, but at least I would have an answer. I have always wanted to adopt, but Geno isn't completely sold on the idea, and I respect that. It was so strange being back in that office. I spent so much time there with all of those people. They were there through my best and worst times. I was nervous, shaking and had a fake smile pasted on my terrified face. As Dr. Millroy did my sonogram, she started measuring the cysts on my ovaries. In my ovaries I should say. I have a history with endometriosis, and have had surgery to remove it before. But this time it is even worse. I got teary eyed as she kept measuring, but held it together. I had never met this doctor before, but Dr. Stewart was away. I didn't want her to think I couldn't handle what she was about to tell me. She came back in the room with a few papers in her hands. The first one was a sheet about the surgical procedure I have to have to remove the endometriomas from my ovaries. The second? A sheet about my next IVF cycle. Yes, I CAN DO IT AGAIN!!!!! I instantly started crying. I was so prepared for bad news. In her words, "my reproductive life is NOT over"!!

So this brings me to some choices and decisions. Obviously I will have the surgery to remove the cysts. That is set for February 3. After that, I have to let my ovaries heal for two months. I will be put on birth control to shut them down, that way no endometriosis can grow. In the mean time, I have to make a decision. On one hand, I want Neisan to have a sibling so badly. I think it's so important in a persons life to have a sibling. When my dad passed away, nobody understood what I was going through like my brothers. We had all lost a father together. On the other hand, IVF is the most emotional thing I have ever gone through. Aside from the shots I have to give myself, the surgery to retrieve the eggs, the physically demanding part of being at the clinic every day for blood work and sonograms and the insane costs associated with it, I have to emotionally prepare myself for the worst. It's a roller coaster that I'm not completely ready to ride again yet. And this is all aside from the ridiculously hard pregnancy I had!
I'm also nervous that my family will not be behind me 100% if I choose this route. I had to rely so heavily on them through all of it that I'm afraid they will think it's a bad decision. And more than anything I need my family. And I can already hear the comments I'll have to deal with - "well at least if this doesn't work, you still have Neisan" - while this is true, it won't change that fact that I will possibly have to deal with losing a potential child.

So over these next few months, I have to make some decisions. I am at an amazing point in my career, I'm very content with my very ornery 13 month old, and we are finally starting to sleep through the night again. When I look at Neisan, I forget about all the bad stuff. He is the best part of me. Geno is with me completely in our decision. While we don't have control over the outcome, we DO have control over this decision. So wish me luck friends, because it looks like the roller coaster has already begun...