A Lot to Take in

So I think this blogging thing is for me. I really like having a place to write down my thoughts and feelings, and to have a place to really think about things. Tonight I have a lot on my mind...

As I've mentioned before, I have pretty hard core anxiety. I've never been very open about it, because quite frankly, I am embarrassed. I have always been a happy girl. A go with the flow, no worries, jump in with both feet kind of girl. Until I got pregnant. Actually, I think it probably started before then with everything I was going through hormonally and all the let downs, but I really noticed it while I was pregnant. I feel like I almost had a break down of some sort. I woke up one morning, and felt like I couldn't breathe. I was terrified, and I didn't even know what I was afraid of. I had an overwhelming fear of being alone all of the sudden. I immediately called my mom in a panic. She came right over and stayed with me all day. All I could do was cry, and I didn't understand any of it. It happened again the next day. And then the next. Day after day, I woke up feeling scared. I was sick - really sick, and I had to be attached to 2 IV's 24 hours a day, one of which I had to change the needle in every 6 hours. It was hell. The only place I could put it was my outer thighs, and they were bruised from top to bottom and hurt so badly I could hardly touch them, let alone stick a needle in them 4 times a day. That needle was attached to a tube and a pump, which I had to take everywhere with me. It was very stylish. Not only did I have to tote that around, but I had an IV in my arm to give me fluids because, despite my amazing bag that was supposed to be giving me anti-nausea medicine, I was still throwing up. All day. Every day. I felt so tied down, and like I had a life threatening illness. I had home nurses in and out of my house. Looking back, it's no wonder I felt the way I did.
My anxiety started getting worse and worse as the days went on. It got to the point where I would cry after we ate dinner, because I knew that meant my mom would have to go home and that we would have to go to bed and be in the dark and quite house. I looked forward to family gatherings, but hated them at the same time because I knew they would come to an end. I would literally get to the gathering, and in my head tell myself it's almost halfway over - what are you going to do now? Thinking about that feeling makes me ill. Geno didn't understand, and had no clue how to help me.  My mom came to stay with me every day for 6 months. We shopped online for everything the baby would need, we watched HGTV until our eyes bled, and learned how to cook anything in this world with bacon in it thanks to Paula Dean. I learned then that a mothers role in your life is so important. She took a leave of absence from her job to be with me. It makes me cry thinking about my mom - I love you so much Mama. My step dad brought me a card home every day for 6 months just to let me know he was thinking about me. My friend Danny came over every day after work to make me laugh. My friends Jenn and Jen called often just to chat. You would think with all of this support I would have absolutely nothing to be scared of. But I was.
After Neisan was born, I went from being anxious to having an anxiety overload. I went from not knowing what I was scared of to being scared of everything. I was scared I would do something wrong as a mother. I was scared I wouldn't hear him when he got up at night. I was scared to put him in the car because we might get in a wreck. The list goes on and on. Being sleep deprived didn't help.
Today, I still battle anxiety. Although I have come a very long way, there are days when I still feel like that sick preggo woman who cried her days away. I'm still afraid of so many things - putting Neisan in the car. Leaving him every day to go to work. Making my husband put up with my anxiety. I'm so afraid that something is going to happen to me. It's an overwhelming fear that I have. What if something does happen to me? Neisan needs me. What if something happens to Neisan? I need him! There are days when I am consumed by these fears... But then there are days when I'm feeling good, and I think about my life. I am losing so much of my life by being consumed with fear. Life is flying by me, and I'm too afraid most days to jump in. Neisan deserves more than that. My husband deserves more than that. I deserve more than that. So I'm jumping in. I'll still worry, I'll still cry sometimes, but I have to jump in. Life is too short. And pressing pause isn't always an option.