Do You Ever Wish You Could?

Press pause I mean? I do. Every day.

I wanted to start this blog for myself more than anything, as a way for me to write down what I'm thinking and feeling. With a baby around, I don't get much time to think about myself or how I'm doing. I want a place where I can be open and honest, and I want people to understand me. Will anyone read my blog? I don't know. Either way, I hope it's good therapy.

A little about me: My name is Annie. I just celebrated my 27th birthday. I own my own business, and I love what I do. My shop is called Hemline - www.shophemline.om - check it out :) I love music, singing, and I love to play the piano and guitar. I love my family. I love my weenie dogs. I love a lot of things I guess. But more than anything? My son. I love my son.

I've been married to my wonderful husband for 5 years (seems like longer, huh babe?) and we have the most perfect little boy in the entire world. This is where the title of my blog comes in - Neisan makes me want to press pause at least once every single day. Geno and I struggled for 3 years to get pregnant. We went through countless procedures. I gave myself shots in the stomach every day for a year. Disappointment after disappointment, we held on to each other. Finally in March of 2009, we had our very last frozen embryo thawed and transferred. It was Neisan.

Neisan (pronounced Nee-Sin) is Hebrew for Miracle, because that's exactly what he is. And he's about to turn a year old. Over the past year, I have wanted to press pause so many times. The first time I saw him, I felt like I had waited so long, and I didn't want the moment to end. Press pause. The first time he smiled at me - press pause. The first time I watched him fall asleep on Geno's chest - press pause. Listening him coo, the first time his coo turned into "Mama", the first time he crawled - pause, pause, PAUSE! He makes my life so happy. It sounds so cliche, and I only heard it 1001 times while I was pregnant, but you honest to God don't know what love is until you have a child. It's just so different than the love you feel for other people. Thinking about him seriously makes my heart feel funny. Like literally I feel like something is happening under my rib cage. He is the happiest baby, and he's been through so much already. We're dealing with severe reflux and ulcers in his esophagus because his doctors couldn't diagnose him, along with a milk and soy protein intolerance. It makes it so hard to feed him because almost everything we eat has milk in it, and if there isn't milk, there is usually soy. He's a little guy, but still has some amazing rolls on his thighs that I can not get enough of! He can make you smile on your worst of days. He's so silly, and he is constantly trying to make people laugh. He is THE most cuddly baby I have ever met, and he might possibly be a Mama's boy. And I love that.

So back to the purpose of this blog - how am I feeling? A little crazy, a lot anxious, a little guilty, and a lot happy. Crazy because I don't have time to think about 1 thing for more than a few seconds before the next issue arrises. I run a business and a family, it gets a little rough at times. A lot anxious because I just do. Anxiety kicked in full force while I was pregnant and has decided to stick around. Hopefully sorting out my thoughts here will help with that. A little guilty because I have to leave my son every day to go to work. He has an amazing nanny who he gets to stay home with every day, at his own house, with his own toys, and he loves her to pieces. But I wish I could be the one to stay with him. I love my job, but I love my baby more. I need to find a good balance between the two. A lot happy because I have a lot to be happy about. I just need to realize it more often and put it into words. I have an amazing opportunity with Hemline right now, and I am trying my hardest to tell my anxiety to let me go so I can take this plunge. I have a husband who has stood by me through everything in my adult life, and he still likes me. And that's a big deal. I have a family who has been steadfast through my trials with infertility and a rough pregnancy, and friends who have shown their true colors when I needed them to the most. And Neisan. He is enough to get me through the rest of my life. So here's to letting my anxieties go, and pressing pause on the happy things. The problem with that? Eventually you have to push play again...