Does Anyone Even Do This Anymore?

Blog I mean? I haven't in a very long time. I just don't have the time anymore! My free time is spent doing homework after the kids are in bed. Or sleeping when the kids are in bed, which is even better. Tonight, however, I felt it necessary to visit my blogging days because Miss Matilda will be turning a year old in about 3 minutes. I started this blog the night before Neisan turned a year old. It's amazing to read back through that post for me and to read what I was feeling. I didn't want to miss out on that with Matilda's very special day. 

Matilda Emaline Kennedy is going to be a whole year old tomorrow. Where in the hell has time gone? When I started this blog, I thought "Press Pause" was an appropriate title. I wanted to pause life so that I could relish in it a little longer, especially where my kids (kid at the time) were involved. I think now I would call it "Push the Damn Pause Button and Hold that Mother

F-er down until I f-ing say so". Or something like that. 

It's just after midnight now - June 4, 2013. A year ago today I was in the hospital after arriving around 5:00 on a Sunday. I was having what I thought were contractions, and a ton of pressure. My c-section wasn't scheduled for another week and a half. I went to sleep that night in the hospital room and waited to see my doctor the next morning so she could decide what we would do about getting that baby out. She came in bright and early the next morning, and within minutes had decided that we would take her out that day! I had a few short hours left of being pregnant. It was so different the second time though. I walked back to the surgery room, got the spinal, talked and laughed through the surgery (except the 2 minute period where I thought I was going to toss my cookies) and had a baby. Easy peasy. I told Dr. Martin it smelled like something burning, to which she reassured me it was just my flesh. Awesome. Then I heard her cry. It wasn't the cry of a tiny little baby who had just come beautifully into the world. It was an all out, balls-to-the-walls, what the F is happening, wail. Homegirl had some lungs on her. She didn't have any of the problems Neisan did as far as needing chest x-rays or help breathing. She was a perfectly healthy, teeny tiny, absolutely gorgeous human being. She weighed in at 7 lbs 4 oz, and a lengthy 17 1/4 in. long. Small and mighty. When I had Neisan, all I could think about was what he would be like, and how life would change with him in it. It was all about Neisan. When I had Matilda, it was all about Neisan. How would he handle having a new baby in the house? How would he feel having to share my love? How would I feel letting him see my love for her? I will never forget the first time he saw her. He looked at her with the sweetest little smile on his face. He sat with me on the bed and held her in his lap. He touched her head and said "hi little baby" and literally just stared at her. That moment is one that will be engrained in my memory for the rest of time. 

Over the next weeks, and then months, we would all come to realize just how different two kids from the same set of parents can actually be. Neisan has always been cautious. He watches and takes things in before trying. He asks questions and wants to know why things are the way they are, and bases decisions on those answers. Matilda walks to the end of the dock, looks in, and proceeds to walk some more. She is a jump in with both feet kind of gal. She has no fear. She loves with all of her being, and throws fits with all of it too. She wears her heart on her sleeve already. She is so easily calmed just by touching her. She is a snuggle bear. She is tiny, but don't let her exterior fool you. I have a feeling she is going to be a force to be reckoned with. She's funny. She will walk over to something she isn't supposed to touch (tonight it was the adirondack chair that she climbs onto, then tries to climb up onto the window sill) look at you, grin and laugh, and shake her head "no", all while doing what she knows she isn't supposed to. She has a super raspy voice. Sounds like she's been smoking for years. Very Godfather-esque if you will. She thinks Neisan is the most hilarious thing that ever happened. He can look at her and she laughs. To which he replies about a million times a day "why is she looking at me?!" Oh the joys of sibling fights. It's already starting. He loves her so much too though. He makes sure she is comfortable, has enough toys, gets her snacks and reads her books. He calls her gorgeous every day. He has so much joy for her when she accomplishes something new. Watching him with her is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. She stares at him in awe. It's beautiful. 

So tomorrow, or today actually, at 2:26 p.m. she will be 1 year old. I can't even fathom that an entire year has gone by. This has been the biggest year of change in my life - some for the better, some not. I have had a hard year. I think Matilda was put here when she was so that I could get through it all. When I lost friends, she brought me back to what life is about. She reminded me of new beginnings. She helped me remember that being a woman is hard - and that I need to model for her how to be a great one. I am striving for that every day now - and I am so much better for it. She saved my step-dads life. When he had his stroke, he told my mom that he was ready to go. As in, leave this world ready- he didn't want to live anymore. I showed him Matilda's sonogram pictures when we learned she was a girl - and he told my mom that he had something to live for. He loves all of his grand children - but I think seeing a new life that was going to be here, and possibly without him, gave him an extra oomph to fight. She has brought so much joy to my heart. I can't even begin to explain my love for this tiny person. I have a daughter. She is my carbon copy. As I rocked her to sleep tonight, I studied her face. Her button nose, her Northcutt chin, her amazingly long eyelashes. It was the last look I will ever have of her at 11 months old. When she wakes in the morning, she will no longer be an infant. My heart breaks and sings all at once with that idea. She's going to continue to grow and change. I must press pause every now and then to make sure I remember her at every stage in her life. I can't wait to see what she's going to be. I can guarantee you she won't be stopped from doing what she wants in life.

 Matilda Emaline Kennedy - I love you with every ounce of my being. I am so lucky to be your mom and so thankful that God blessed me with you. You were meant to be mine, and I yours. Happy First Birthday sister.

"I remember the first time I held you, touched your skin, kissed your face. You've changed our lives forever, our hearts will never be the same. This day is so special, because you turn 1! And the best part of all is - your life has just begun."